The Call No Parent Wants to Make

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The turmoil had reached a breaking point, and it felt like it had been dragging on forever. I thought about searching for those terms—those distressing phrases that no parent ever wants to type into a search engine.

“It will get better,” I reassured myself. But things only seemed to spiral further out of control. So I took my phone and retreated to a secluded corner of the orchard, settling down on the rough bark where I wouldn’t be disturbed. With tears streaming down my face, I searched for “child psychiatric hospitals.”

What would happen if I made that call? I knew my life would change in an irreversible way, and I’d never be able to go back to how things were before that moment.

What kind of parents send their child to a psychiatric facility? What kind of kids end up in these places? Were they like my daughter—intelligent, compassionate, and lovely—who just happened to have some parts of her brain not functioning properly?

I pictured the expression on her face when I dropped her off. She would undoubtedly scream and cry, looking at me with a mix of betrayal and anger.

“What kind of mom would leave their child here?” she would yell at me.

The guilt would hit me like a bolt of lightning striking a tree.

This is a story about parents faced with a sick child in a country that doesn’t make mental health care easy to access. There are child psychiatrists available, but not nearly enough. Their schedules are packed, and they aren’t adding new patients. Many don’t accept insurance, which means my family would have to cough up hundreds of dollars just to find care for my daughter.

The system is failing us. In moments of crisis, parents often feel isolated and helpless.

The sense of defeat. The disappointment. The heartache.

I wish my daughter had a physical injury. A broken bone would mean a trip to the doctor, a cast, and knowing that eventually, she would heal. Friends would sign her cast with encouraging messages like “Get well soon!” and “You’ll be back to normal soon!”—and it would actually happen. In a few weeks, her arm would be as good as new.

Mental illness, however, doesn’t heal that quickly. Chemical imbalances and faulty brain circuitry aren’t fixed with a simple bandage. Therapy and medication can help, but it takes time to find what works.

Maybe I didn’t do enough as a mom to support her mental health. Perhaps I wasn’t patient enough or, conversely, maybe I did too much.

I dial the number and brace myself.

“Psychiatric unit,” a voice answers. It’s a man named Alex. I provide him with the information he needs. He seems kind and knowledgeable, and I answer his questions while fighting back tears. A lump in my throat feels like it might explode.

“Has she ever mentioned wanting to harm herself?” he asks.

And just like that, the floodgates open. Tears stream down my face, and I’m unable to respond.

Alex is understanding; he tells me to take my time. He says he knows how difficult this conversation is and that he’ll wait until I’m ready. He gives me space to let my emotions flow. I finally manage to say that my daughter has expressed she wishes she weren’t alive and that no one wants her here.

As I cry, I realize I’ve never shared that with anyone before. Perhaps if I keep those words unspoken, they won’t have to exist.

I’m informed that there are beds available that very night. Alex needs to call me back after filling out a release form, but he assures me I’ll hear from him shortly.

After we hang up, I find myself unable to answer his call an hour later. I know my daughter needs help, and I’ll spend my days searching for a mental health professional who will accept her and our insurance. I will cry myself to sleep, hoping for a better tomorrow.

I will always fight for her happiness because I am her mother, and she is worth every ounce of effort.

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Summary

This heartfelt article revolves around a parent’s anguish as they contemplate seeking psychiatric help for their child in a flawed mental health system. The narrative reveals the guilt and heartbreak that come with such decisions, all while shining a light on the struggles many families face when dealing with mental illness. The author emphasizes the importance of advocating for one’s child and remaining hopeful for healing and support.