Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: June 18, 2014
Before I became a parent, I held such rosy ideas about motherhood. During the long journey of fertility treatments, I envisioned tender moments with my baby in the quiet hours of dawn. I imagined peaceful Saturday mornings filled with cartoons, followed by soccer games and splashes in the pool. I dreamed of school performances, shopping for back-to-school supplies, and having a little buddy to watch movies with.
Then reality hit… I was blessed with not one, but two amazing kids. They were the best of friends until our youngest turned two, and that’s when the chaos began. The hair-pulling, toy-snatching, and floor-wrestling battles transformed those once-peaceful moments into a quest for just three minutes of calm playtime. Sure, they adore each other, but my role as “just a mom” is long gone. I’ve added “referee” to my list of job titles, and my days are filled with utterances I never imagined I’d make.
For instance…
- “Don’t lick your brother!” – Really? Is licking each other a thing? I feel a wave of nausea each time I witness their tongues reaching for one another… it’s like slow motion when Max spots Bella in a scene from their favorite animated movie.
- “Please stop eating the sunscreen.” – Who thought foam that looks like whipped cream was a good idea? Note to self: invest in the spray version.
- “Let go of my shirt!” – Our little one stopped nursing over a year ago, yet she’s still fascinated with my clothing. In new places, she clings to me and often yanks my shirt down. Nine times out of ten, it reveals my bra, and once, my entire breast! I’ve learned to stick to high-neck shirts and avoid tank tops or v-necks.
- “Stop putting boogers on your nightstand!” – Not just a few; an entire side of her nightstand has become a shrine to boogers. At least she doesn’t eat them, right?
- “Poop is not a food group.” – This summer is all about potty talk. Each day is filled with questions like, “What do you want for lunch?” and the inevitable answer, “Poop!” or “Let’s make poopy muffins!” Cue the giggles.
- “No, I will not cook your butt and eat it.” – After I tell them that poop isn’t dinner table conversation, they suggest they’d like to eat their butts once cooked. Seriously, is butt humor that funny?
- “Who put the remote control in the toilet?” – Does your toddler love remote controls? Mine cherishes ours more than anything else. The fake Fisher Price version doesn’t cut it. I’ve found our remote in the toy box, in hat boxes, and just last week, in the toilet.
- “You may not dance naked. Get back to the dinner table.” – I hoped I wouldn’t have to worry about pole dancing (a.k.a. her four-poster bed) anytime soon. Yet here we are, in a phase where clothes are shedding and dance moves are getting wild. At least she asked if she could dance naked, right? This has to be a phase… I hope.
- “You can poop your pants if you want… but please go!” – Our toddler dislikes going #2… like, really dislikes it. Anyone else facing this challenge?
- “Your body parts are not toys!” – This one shocked me as well. It was a bath-time exploration moment… enough said.
Ah, the delightful sounds of parenthood!
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In summary, the journey of parenthood is filled with unexpected moments and hilarious challenges. It’s a wild ride, but every laugh and chaotic moment makes the experience all the more worthwhile.