A Heartfelt Apology for My Kids at Restaurants

self insemination kit

Did you hear about that café owner who flipped out over a kid making a mess? Or the restaurant that decided to ban kids after 7 PM? Seriously? If you’re opening a restaurant, how can you say my child can’t make a mess?

But I have to admit, I totally understand why some folks might feel that way. It’s tough when my little ones are running wild, and I’m just trying to keep them from creating chaos while simultaneously feeding them. By the time we leave, I often feel like I’ve just survived a war zone.

So, here’s my open apology to any poor server who has dealt with my family at their restaurant:

Dear Overworked Server,

Wow, we made it through dinner. Just barely. I know you didn’t expect this level of craziness when you put on that apron, so I want to sincerely apologize for all the chaos my family caused tonight. Here goes:

1. I’m truly sorry my child emptied every sugar packet onto the table. I thought I could fix it, but let’s face it, it’s pretty tough once they’ve been covered in drool.
2. I apologize for giggling when you mentioned your cocktail specials. I know I look like I could use a drink (or several), but good luck trying to relax while managing my two little tornadoes. I might swing by for one in about 18 years…or maybe tonight if the baby monitor allows!
3. I’m sorry for the little incident that made me laugh so hard I almost had an accident. It’s the aftermath of having a c-section, I suppose—what a bother!
4. I apologize for bringing snacks for my kids and hogging a larger table when only one of us was ordering. I saw your kids’ menu, but my picky eaters wouldn’t touch chicken fingers or any of the other options. If you ever add peach yogurt, Pirate Booty, or craisins, let me know!
5. I’m sorry the next guests found jelly on their knees. I should have told you to check under the table. My bad.
6. I apologize for my child’s adventurous spirit with the cheese shaker. I would have stopped that little escapade sooner if I hadn’t been busy preventing my child from pouring yogurt into my bag.
7. I’m sorry my kid was glued to the iPad during dinner, blasting Caillou at full volume. Honestly, I can’t explain why he’s four and still bald or why his mom’s name is just Mommy. And, by the way, this would have been a great moment to suggest those cocktails again!
8. I’m sorry it looked like a food explosion under the highchair when we left. I swear we didn’t bring a piñata into the restaurant!
9. I apologize for the wall incident. If you haven’t seen it yet, just wait.
10. I’m sorry if our table’s noise drove away the group of adults next to us. But let’s be real—who wants to serve a bunch of overindulged drinkers anyway?
11. I apologize for the laser stare I gave you when you dared to offer dessert. Moms have a sixth sense for lip-reading “Do you want a dessert menu?”
12. I’m sorry for unbuttoning my pants at the table and then forgetting when I stood up. I thought I could wear regular jeans for a night out, but that was a mistake.

That’s about it! I hope you treat yourself to something nice with the generous tip we left you—you certainly earned it.

Looking forward to our next chaotic visit!

Warmly,
Jessica