You might be a parent if you can simultaneously brown ground beef, mix a drink, and chop veggies—all while balancing a baby on your hip and managing a toddler or two rolling around on the floor because you’re not quick enough with their milk.
You’re the master of pausing mid-bite to wipe a tiny bottom, only to return to your meal as if nothing happened.
You can pull together six dozen cookies at the last minute after your child casually mentions that they need snacks for tomorrow’s school event.
You’ve become fearless, willing to catch a surprise vomit in your bare hands without flinching.
You can nap on the couch yet still have a sixth sense about what your kids are up to—even with your eyes closed.
Dining out means you’ll spend more time in the restroom than at your table, and you’ve learned to answer your kids’ endless questions with movie quotes.
Big boogers? No problem. You’ll pick them, wipe them on your pants, and carry on without a second thought.
You meticulously schedule pediatric appointments well in advance, yet somehow forget to book your own yearly check-up.
You can manage to brush your teeth while simultaneously ensuring your three-year-old is aiming correctly at the toilet.
Grocery lists? You might forget them every time, but you can recall exactly where Sally’s red sparkly headband from three weeks ago is hiding.
Laundry? It’s a never-ending mountain, leading you to contemplate transforming your home into a nudist colony.
You can juggle two board games simultaneously while catching up on your Words With Friends matches—and still come out on top.
Your daily vocabulary is filled with gems like “get your finger out of your butt,” “we don’t eat boogers for lunch,” and “no, I really don’t want to smell your fart.”
Your living room has transitioned from beer can towers to a showcase of artistic masterpieces created by your kids—things that you wish could be removed by men in hazmat suits.
Despite your cleaning efforts, your bathroom perpetually smells like pee.
You can change a diaper in total darkness, leaving no trace behind—except for that lingering smell on your hands that only bleach can banish.
You can navigate through a darkened room without stepping on a single Lego, but daylight turns you into a Lego-stomping monster.
You don’t hesitate to take a glass of wine and your smartphone into the bathroom, locking the door for a few precious moments of solitude, regardless of whether you need to go or not.
You do laundry because the hampers are overflowing, not because you’re looking for that one shirt you planned to wear out.
You can chat about the contents of your child’s vomit over dinner while munching on your meal like you’re discussing fluffy kittens.
You tackle math homework with as much determination as you can muster—or at least you give it a solid effort.
You’ve embraced glitter into your life.
Most of your conversations revolve around poop, farts, burps, butts, and boogers.
While some aspects of parenting (like the occasional vomit) may not be our favorites, we wouldn’t trade any of it for the world—except maybe the poop on the walls.
For more parenting tips, you can explore our other articles like this one on home insemination. If you’re looking for reliable resources on pregnancy and home insemination, check out Rmany’s blog for insightful information. And for those interested in at-home insemination kits, Make A Mom is an authority on the topic.
In summary, being a parent is an adventure filled with challenges, surprises, and a lot of laughter. From managing chaos at home to navigating the oddities of childhood, it’s a wild ride that we wouldn’t change for anything—except maybe the messes along the way.