Lost in Translation: My Journey Back to My First Language

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Every Wednesday evening, I find myself sitting in a Spanish class, motivated by a good friend who joins me for support. It’s funny because Spanish was my first language from birth, yet here I am, taking a course titled “Spanish Film and Conversation.” I can almost hear fluent speakers chiding me, “Qué pena!” I wish I could say it’s just pure laziness, but those of us raised in multicultural households know that the decline of our language skills comes from various factors, including cultural attitudes and geography.

Cultural Shifts

During the 1970s and ’80s, speaking anything other than English was frowned upon. It wasn’t just a matter of popularity; it was a survival instinct. My father often recounted how his immigrant father faced severe punishment for speaking Spanish in school. Fast forward to today, and the demographics have shifted dramatically. The Latino community has surged from approximately 9 million in the 1970s to nearly 60 million currently, with projections suggesting that number could more than double by 2060.

As a child, our family formed a small fraction of the American population, just beginning to emerge from waves of Italian and Asian immigrants. Back then, the emphasis was on assimilation for everyone, and although many U.S.-born Latinos today primarily speak English, it’s now clear that speaking Spanish is part of being an authentic American. Fortunately, the cultural landscape has evolved, making it more desirable to learn new languages or embrace the ones we speak at home.

Geographic Influence

My bilingual journey took a hit when we relocated from the vibrant Hispanic community of upper Manhattan. There, Spanish surrounded us daily, and had we remained in the city, my brother and I would have likely retained our fluency despite our parents’ English-speaking habits. However, moving to New Hampshire, where my four younger sisters were born, felt like a culture shock. I joke now that we were the first Latino family to integrate the state, but it certainly didn’t feel humorous back then. The most common question we faced was, “So, do you speak Puerto Rican?” as if that were a language. Need I say more?

The state has evolved, but there are still areas in the U.S. where speaking Spanish can provoke unwelcoming responses. I remember my mother once trying to speak Spanish at the grocery store; once was enough. To complicate matters, I ended up attending a French-Canadian Catholic school, where only French was taught. My first Spanish class last week felt like a battle in my brain as I accidentally said “gateau” for cake instead of the Spanish “pastel.” Zut!

I regained my language skills in my early 20s while living in Santiago, Chile, and Mexico City. Returning to the U.S., I felt a surge of pride when speaking Spanish with my mother. However, since her passing a decade ago, I’ve realized that stepping away from my first language was less about cultural and geographic influences and more about emotional pain.

Mothers represent not just individuals but also cultures and histories. After my mother’s passing, I distanced myself from Spanish because it brought back too many memories of us together—dancing in the kitchen to salsa music, folding laundry while listening to Julio Iglesias, or enjoying Abuela’s tostones.

Today, I have practical reasons for rekindling my Spanish skills, but I also believe my commitment is tied to the healing process. My daughter is now taking Spanish in school and even enjoys dancing with me to my “Rev Up Latin” playlist.

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Summary

This article reflects my personal journey of reconnecting with my first language, Spanish. From cultural pressures to geographic shifts, I’ve navigated the complexities of language retention. The emotional impact of losing my mother also played a significant role in my relationship with Spanish. Now, I am committed to embracing my heritage and passing it on to my daughter.