Lately, I’ve stumbled upon several articles titled “5 Ways to Delight Your Partner” that leave me rolling my eyes rather than feeling inspired. Here’s how these suggestions might play out in my household…
Suggestion #1: Welcome him at the door dressed in an apron and stilettos as he arrives home from work.
What Really Happens: I put the kids to bed early and wear the only apron I can find that says, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.” High heels? Forget it! I rummage through the basement, hunched over boxes while wearing just an apron. My four-year-old sneaks out and exclaims, “Eww! Mom’s booty!” Fast forward to my husband getting home late to find “marinating” wife passed out on the couch, potato chips on her chest, and mismatched heels.
Suggestion #2: Surprise him at work during lunch, wearing nothing but a trench coat and heels; lock the door behind you.
What Really Happens: My 20-year-old babysitter and 65-year-old neighbor raise eyebrows as I exit the house looking like a summer spy. The kids whine, “I wanna dress up like Perry the Platypus too!” When I finally reach his office, the security guard insists on checking my bag before issuing a visitor pass. I turn bright red and make a hasty retreat to the minivan.
Suggestion #3: Send a seductive selfie, bonus points for skin.
What Really Happens: I find myself Googling “permanency of text messages” while contemplating the appropriateness of sending a flirty pic to my husband’s work phone. Nothing screams sexy like locking myself in the bathroom, trying out sultry poses while ignoring the kids banging on the door. I finally decide to skip my face altogether. A few hours later, I receive a text back asking, “Did Alex get another spider bite? Looks bad this time.”
Suggestion #4: Sit on his lap, gaze lovingly into his eyes, and tell him he’s your hero and the man of your dreams.
What Really Happens: As I try to sit on his lap, he shifts over on the couch to make space. I eventually say, “I’m trying to sit on your lap,” to which he replies, “Why? We have a big couch.” Our two-year-old seizes the moment and climbs on Dad’s lap, while two others squeeze in between us. Leaning over little heads, I whisper, “You’re my hero.” He scratches his ear and says, “Huh?” while flipping Netflix to the latest superhero cartoon.
Suggestion #5: Reserve a table at his favorite restaurant and casually mention halfway through the meal that you aren’t wearing any underwear.
What Really Happens: His favorite spot? I ponder between the local $3 slice pizza joint and a fast-food place with a play area, but remember it’ll be kid-free. After the salad course, I lean in and whisper, “I’m not wearing any underwear.” He responds by pointing out the spinach stuck in my teeth and asks, “Oh, are we running low on clean laundry?” After two glasses of wine, we both pass out as soon as we hit the pillow—right after I’ve changed into comfy PJs and donned my trusty undies again.
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In summary, while the suggestions to please your partner may sound appealing, reality often diverges into humorous chaos. Embrace the imperfections and find joy in the everyday moments!