The Wonders of Life Can Be Quite Messy (And My Perineum is Acting Up)

self insemination kit

“Bobby, I think there’s something off with my perineum!” I call out to my husband.

“Your what?” he replies, clearly confused.

“My perineum! You know, it’s that area that’s neither the vagina nor the butt… it’s my taint! There’s a bump, and it hurts like crazy, but I can’t see it, so I have no idea what’s going on.”

“Could it be a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining a lot?”

“Perhaps! This baby has definitely caused some traffic jams down there. Would you recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”

“I might, but I can’t say I’m eager to examine you in that way.”

I understand his hesitation about getting too personal with my possibly roid-ridden perineum, but this is the same man who rushes to hold my hair back when morning sickness hits. Talk about sweet yet gross—he just hops on that vomit train every time.

After turning down my offer to play doctor, Bobby hands me a tube of Preparation H and leaves me to deal with it. Miraculously, the bump feels better almost instantly, confirming his diagnosis. I might just dodge the awkwardness of mentioning this at my next OB appointment.

When I first met Bobby five years ago in a dimly lit bar, I never thought I’d be asking him to check on my pregnancy-related hemorrhoids. That’s the reality of pregnancy: the mystery quickly dissipates. It vanished the moment I started peeing with the door wide open. I know, it’s not great etiquette, but if I don’t, we’d never finish a conversation—seriously, the frequency of bathroom trips is astonishing!

And let’s not forget the sneezing. I’m allergic to dust and equally allergic to cleaning, so let’s just say I’m sneezing and urinating all over the place. I’m like a poorly trained puppy that Bobby never asked for.

Don’t even get me started on the gas! I could power a small boat with the amount I’ve got right now. I could burp the alphabet backwards. If you dared to poke my belly (please don’t), I might just float away like a cartoon balloon.

The miracle of life can be downright messy sometimes. Yet, nothing compares to the sheer panic of “Stay up by my head, or you’ll be traumatized forever!” in the delivery room. From the fear of pooping on the table to crowning and episiotomies—those are sights you can’t unsee.

I often think there should be an emotional epidural for partners, promoting post-pregnancy amnesia. There’s a chance this exists already; otherwise, no one would ever want to have more than one child! Thankfully, science has our backs.

If you’re interested in more topics related to pregnancy, check out our post on terms and conditions for additional insights. And if you’re curious about home insemination, CryoBaby offers an excellent kit for your journey. For more resources on pregnancy and fertility, Cleveland Clinic has great podcasts to guide you through this exciting time.

In summary, while pregnancy can bring many unexpected and sometimes unappealing experiences, such as perineum bumps and sneezing fits, it’s a wild ride full of love and adventure.