It’s a common refrain: parents are getting it all wrong. Articles, TV pundits, and parenting “experts” like those from Supernanny suggest that we’re too lenient, creating a perfect storm of stress. While I agree that we can improve our parenting approaches, I don’t think the solution lies in asserting stricter discipline or having less patience for what they call “problematic” kids.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve encountered a so-called “problematic” child who grew into an adult with their own set of challenges, I’d be a millionaire. The notion of “bad” behavior doesn’t just disappear; it rears its head when we least expect it, often when we make honest mistakes later in life. I reject the concept of inherently bad children, and I don’t believe most parents are failing either. We are all navigating a complex web of societal expectations that clash with our innate understanding of child development. Kids are simply trying to figure things out.
Let me be clear: I am the opposite of Supernanny. Our definitions of “discipline” couldn’t be more different.
This discussion isn’t about specific parenting methods; it’s about mutual respect—between parents and children and among parents themselves. “Don’t be a jerk” is essentially my guiding principle. I hope one day my children will adopt this mantra as well, as I strive to model respect in my interactions with them and others, including fellow parents.
Respect doesn’t require agreement. I can think you’re great even if I don’t share your views. If I see you struggling with a loud child at the store, I won’t judge you for a second.
We’ve lost the communal support that comes from being non-judgmental. Perhaps it’s time to reclaim that spirit.
Understanding Discipline
So, what do we mean by discipline, and why does it feel so urgent? When people think of discipline, they often picture a child behaving perfectly in a grocery store, as opposed to a child throwing a tantrum in the candy aisle. But let’s unpack what “discipline” really entails.
Discipline, or self-regulation, refers to a child’s ability to manage their emotions. However, not every child can do this, and certainly not all the time. Spoiler alert: we didn’t evolve to have perfect self-control, either. Our development relied on close connections with caregivers, syncing our emotional states with theirs.
Children also come with their own opinions. They deserve more respect than they often receive—not in a way that means we must cater to their every whim, but in a way that acknowledges their feelings and experiences.
This acknowledgment can be a game-changer. Parents who listen and don’t insist on obedience as a rule are often dismissed as overly indulgent. However, there’s a significant difference between the traditional obedience-focused discipline we’ve come to accept and respectful parenting that prioritizes long-term emotional health over immediate compliance.
Much of the pressure to enforce strict behavior stems from a fear of public judgment. While we may feel anxious during a tantrum at home, it’s amplified in front of others. Humans are prone to shame responses, a trait that evolved as a way to avoid conflict in social groups. It’s no wonder we feel sensitive to judgment.
And judged we certainly are. Instead of hearing, “I understand that children have strong feelings and need help to calm down,” we are met with, “Your kids are out of control! What kind of parent allows this?”
The truth is, the same parent who acknowledges their child’s feelings—seeing a tantrum as an expression of unmet needs—knows that kids aren’t inherently bad. They simply need guidance, and they should feel safe expressing their emotions. After all, who wouldn’t be frustrated about not getting twelve bags of marshmallows? I know I would!
Fostering Open Communication
If we hope to foster open communication with our children as they grow up, we need to listen to their concerns about the little things now. While we might not understand why the blue cup is more desirable than the pink one, to them, it’s a significant issue. These patterns of interaction carry into later years, where what seems trivial today can shape their future communication styles.
Let’s be clear: acknowledging doesn’t mean agreeing. Just because we respect our child’s feelings doesn’t mean they should always get what they want. That’s where the art of negotiation comes in. Respectful parenting fosters discussions, disagreements, and compromises. It prioritizes communication and love over snap judgments.
Just as we’d hope for understanding from others in a supermarket when our child is having a meltdown, we should extend that same kindness to each other. This harsh judgment isn’t inherent; it’s learned behavior passed down through generations.
We can choose to respect differing opinions and extend kindness to those who parent differently. We can also show love and respect to our children when they express their feelings, even if they don’t align with ours. In families, one person’s perspective doesn’t negate another’s validity.
Children won’t always see eye-to-eye with us. They may voice their displeasure loudly and insist we’re being unfair. But if they feel comfortable expressing their concerns about marshmallows today, they’re more likely to share bigger issues with us in the future. Encouraging open dialogue about feelings establishes a pattern of behavior that is constructive, even if it doesn’t always align with our views.
The Importance of Kindness
Goodness isn’t contingent on behavior; it’s an inherent quality of a person. Kids are inherently good; they simply make questionable choices, just like adults do. No one is perfect. The mother having a tough day in the grocery store isn’t a bad parent; she’s just navigating a challenging moment.
Promoting empathy and respect through kindness—rather than simply demanding obedience—will ultimately address behavioral issues more effectively than traditional discipline ever could. Children are capable of much more than we often assume. When we treat each other with kindness and understanding, we create a supportive environment that fosters tolerance and patience.
The loss of community support due to judgment is a significant concern. We can all work together to build a more empathetic and understanding parenting culture.
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In summary, embracing a respectful approach to parenting not only helps us navigate our own challenges, but also models the behavior we wish to see in our children and the community around us.