You’ve seen those “WWJD?” bumper stickers urging us to contemplate “What would Jesus do?” in our daily lives. Some have even adapted this idea to ask, “What would Oprah do?” But many parents find themselves pondering, “What would Mom do?” as they navigate the exhilarating yet daunting adventure of raising children. Mothers often reflect on the ways their own mothers guided them through everything from caring for skinned knees to mending broken hearts, addressing endless questions about bedtime, vegetables, and the mysteries of the universe, not to mention the tough talks about life’s bigger issues.
I can relate to these mothers. I frequently find myself asking, “What would my mother do?” when faced with parenting dilemmas. The twist? I consciously choose to do the opposite.
My childhood environment was steeped in a culture of fear. Walking on eggshells was a daily routine. Loneliness wrapped around me like a heavy cloak. Although “I love you” was uttered often, it often felt like an empty phrase tethered to unachievable conditions. My mother would tell me, “I love you because I gave birth to you, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you,” a sentiment I absorbed in elementary school. My father also made it clear on my fourteenth birthday that “I love your mother more than I love you – I chose her; you just came along.”
During my childhood, I would be left alone in my room for hours without explanation, simply because my mother claimed she “couldn’t stand” me. When I came home from school feeling down after a fight with a friend, her first question was always, “What did you do wrong?” Illness meant being isolated, as I was told that my sickness was a significant inconvenience. “If you’re too sick to go to school, then you’re too sick to watch TV,” she would say.
I absorbed all these messages, believing that I was inherently flawed and that my father’s love was conditional. I thought I was a “bad girl” and a burden, convinced I had done something wrong when a friend rejected me. I accepted these beliefs because mothers are supposed to know what’s best for us, right?
Yet, the experiences with my mother didn’t leave me empty-handed in terms of parenting wisdom. On the contrary, they shaped my approach in profound ways.
I learned the significance of expressing “I love you” sincerely. It’s not just something to say at the end of a phone call or a bedtime routine; it should be said freely and without conditions. I regularly tell my children I love them for their quirks, their achievements, and even when they make mistakes—like spilling rice on the kitchen floor. I reassure them that my love is unwavering, no matter what.
Rather than create an atmosphere of fear and isolation, I strive to envelop my children in a sense of security and empowerment. At their tender ages of four and five, I want them to feel limitless, with a world full of possibilities. They should know there will always be open arms ready to catch them, comfort them, and help them feel safe after a nightmare.
I maintain an open line of communication with my children. When my daughter has a tough day at school, I approach her with curiosity rather than judgment, encouraging her to express her feelings without fear of reprimand. Together, we brainstorm how she can navigate challenges and make better choices in the future.
Navigating this parenting journey without my mother has its challenges. There are days when I turn to my partner and say, “I want my mom. Just not the way she was.” As my father wisely pointed out years ago, we don’t get to choose our family, but we can choose which aspects to embrace and which to leave behind. There are valuable lessons in both the positive and challenging experiences.
Perhaps the most significant lesson I’m learning is the importance of asking myself, “What would I do?” instead of relying solely on my past experiences.
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Summary:
This reflection on parenting reveals the profound impact of one’s upbringing on their parenting style. Despite a challenging childhood characterized by fear and conditional love, the author has consciously chosen to adopt a nurturing approach with her children, emphasizing unconditional love, open communication, and emotional support. By learning from her past, she strives to create a positive environment for the next generation.