We’ve all experienced it or will at some point. A friend opens up about their distressing news—perhaps they just learned their partner has a serious illness, or they’ve faced a heartbreaking loss. It’s a gut-wrenching moment, and you feel a pang in your chest. While there’s no perfect way to support someone during such trying times, there are certainly approaches that can be counterproductive. Here are five things you should steer clear of when helping a friend in crisis:
1. Stay Idle.
This may seem like a no-brainer, but when someone is in turmoil, it’s surprisingly easy to freeze up. You might be unsure of how to offer help or see that they already have plenty of support. While it’s acceptable to keep your distance if you’re not emotionally equipped to assist, as a friend, there’s always something you can do, even if it’s simply saying, “I’m here for you, even if it’s tough for me too.”
2. Inquire, ‘How Can I Help?’
We often default to this question, but it might not be as helpful as we think. When my friend Julia was navigating her husband’s cancer diagnosis, she shared that this question only added to her stress. She appreciated the sentiment but found it burdensome to articulate what she needed. Instead of asking, offer specific forms of assistance, like “Can I bring you dinner on Thursday?” This takes the pressure off them to figure it out.
3. Offer Unrequested Advice.
During a crisis, individuals often face an overwhelming influx of information from medical professionals and well-meaning friends. While you might have valuable insights from your own experiences, it’s essential to refrain from giving unsolicited advice. Unless they actively seek your opinion, the best support you can provide is simply to listen. They don’t need solutions; they need understanding and compassion.
4. Unload Your Feelings on Them.
It’s natural to feel emotional about a friend’s crisis, but remember the Ring Theory concept, which suggests that support should flow inward. Your friend is already grappling with immense burdens, and they likely don’t have the emotional capacity to support you in return. Seek a confidant outside of the situation to share your feelings, and let your friend focus on their own journey without the added weight of your emotional struggles.
5. Dictate Their Emotions.
It might feel comforting to point out silver linings, but phrases like “at least…” can feel dismissive. For example, saying “at least you have other children” can undermine their grief. Everyone processes loss differently, and what feels like a positive to you may not resonate with them. Instead, allow space for their feelings without minimizing their pain.
Supporting a friend through a crisis can be challenging, but it’s also a profound opportunity to demonstrate empathy and understanding. We’re not designed to navigate life’s hardships alone, and your presence can make a world of difference. For more tips on how to support a friend while respecting their space, check out our other blog posts on privacy policies at this link.
In summary, being a good friend during tough times means being present, listening without judgment, and offering specific help rather than vague offers. Support can take many forms, and understanding your friend’s needs is key to being there for them effectively.