Parenting
Ah, the lovely journey of potty training. I’ll admit, I took my sweet time with my daughter. While my mother-in-law was eager to jump in and every parenting blog I follow showcased toddlers proudly sporting underwear, I opted for a super casual (or perhaps lazy) approach. I’d casually ask her, “So, do you want to stop having daily accidents and start using the potty?” Her answer? A long pause followed by a cheerful, “No, thank you, Mama.” And so, we continued on our merry way.
Eventually, I thought incentives might help, so I started picking up bags of Skittles during our grocery runs. The reward system went like this: one candy for a sit, two for a pee, and a generous handful for a poop. To my surprise, she was all in and making good use of her tiny Princess Potty before kindergarten orientation. I felt like I was winning at this parenting game.
But here’s the kicker that nobody warns you about: a three-year-old doesn’t have the slightest idea how to wipe properly. Honestly, I’m almost 37, and I still find myself in those awkward situations, especially in WalMart, where I realize I might have missed a spot. Expecting a young child, fresh out of diapers, to master the art of butt wiping is like asking her to operate a sewing machine while I yell at her to face the facts. Not gonna happen.
Shockingly, she wasn’t even that interested in toilet paper, which is a total surprise considering every video I’ve watched shows kids having a blast unrolling it into a fluffy mountain. One time, when I asked her to grab some toilet paper and ball it up for her pre-wipe ritual, she carefully tore off a quarter of a square, shaped it into a tiny ball, and then… well, let’s just say that didn’t end well. I gagged, then laughed. What a riddle we had here! I missed the days of simply wrapping up a little diaper bundle and tossing it into the diaper genie. Now, my tasks have transformed into the following:
- Keeping her company as she swings her legs, asks about my day, and then makes that adorably awkward face when she’s ready to go.
- Hovering over her while she’s on the toilet, ready to lend a hand when it’s time to wipe.
- Helping her flush the toilet and then, due to her recent dietary choices, cleaning a rather impressive mess that sticks to the bowl like a bad reminder of my culinary skills (oops).
- Opening up the footstool for her (after a couple of unfortunate pinches last week) so she can reach the sink.
- Giving her “privacy” while keeping an ear out for mischief.
- Checking in to make sure she’s not playing with my things. (Hi, I’m four!)
- Coming back again to adjust the water temperature.
- Peeking in to ensure she’s still not touching my stuff.
- Assisting her with soap—making sure the amount in each hand is just right because math is crucial at this age.
- Dashing to her side after realizing she’s been “washing her hands” for six minutes, all while she beams at me through the mirror as water cascades off the counter and onto her little toes.
So, here’s my radical plan: next week, I’m putting her back into diapers. I call it my innovative parenting strategy, Reverse Tiger Helicopter. Once I write my tell-all book (tentatively titled “Wipe Out!”), I’ll be rich enough that when she heads to school, she can hire her own personal butt wiper. It’s a dream, but isn’t that where great ideas begin?
This article was first shared on August 22, 2014, and serves as a reminder that parenting can often lead to unexpected challenges and hilarious moments.
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