Recently, I’ve stumbled upon several articles titled “5 Ways to Impress Your Man,” which honestly just make me chuckle instead of offering real inspiration. Here’s how these suggestions might play out in my home…
Suggestion #1: Greet him at the door in an apron and stilettos when he comes home from work.
Reality Check: After putting the kids to bed early, you decide to adopt the look. The only apron left says, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating,” but it works. And those heels? Last seen before your first child arrived, you find yourself rummaging through old boxes, trying not to trip over your own feet in the process. Just as your four-year-old sneaks out of bed and exclaims, “Eww! Mom’s wearing an apron!” your husband arrives home late to find you half-asleep on the couch, potato chip crumbs scattered everywhere, and mismatched heels on your feet.
Suggestion #2: Surprise him at work during lunch wearing nothing but a trench coat and heels.
Reality Check: Your 20-year-old babysitter and the retired neighbor give you puzzled looks as you dash out, looking like a summer detective. The kids join in whining, “I want to dress up too!” Upon arrival at his workplace, the security guard stops you for a bag check, making you blush and head back to the minivan instead.
Suggestion #3: Send him a sultry selfie. Bonus points for skin.
Reality Check: After a quick online search about the permanence of texts, you reconsider sending anything risqué to his work phone. Nothing says “sexy” like hiding in the bathroom, trying out seductive poses while the kids bang on the door. You manage to avoid slipping on a puddle but ultimately decide to skip including your face. Hours later, he responds to your photo with, “Did Jamie get another bug bite? That one looks pretty bad.”
Suggestion #4: Sit on his lap, gaze into his eyes, and tell him he’s your hero.
Reality Check: When you attempt to sit on his lap, he keeps scooting over on the couch. After you finally announce, “I’m trying to sit here!” he asks, “Why? We have plenty of space.” Meanwhile, your toddler claims his lap, and two other kids squeeze in beside you. Leaning over little heads, you whisper, “You’re my hero,” only for him to respond, “Huh?” as he switches the Netflix to the latest superhero cartoon.
Suggestion #5: Book a table at his favorite restaurant and casually mention halfway through dinner that you’re not wearing any underwear.
Reality Check: His favorite place? You think of a local pizza joint and a fast-food place with a play area, but remember, tonight you’re kid-free. After the salad, you lean in and whisper, “I’m going commando.” He looks at you and points out the spinach in your teeth, then asks, “Oh, are we out of clean laundry?” After two glasses of wine, you both end up dozing off on the couch, forgetting to mention the earlier revelation (right after slipping back into your comfy drawstring pants).
In summary, while these suggestions for impressing your partner might sound appealing on paper, the reality often involves a whirlwind of parenting chaos, laughter, and unexpected moments. If you’re curious about family planning, be sure to check out our other posts on home insemination techniques here and explore resources like Cleveland Clinic’s page on IUI. For a deeper dive into self-insemination, visit Make a Mom’s guide.