As I approach the ten-month mark with my seventh child, I’ve come to realize that parenting is simply a journey through one challenging stage after another. Just when you think you’ve conquered the toughest phase, another one rears its head.
Phase 1 — Sleep Deprivation
If you’re fortunate, this phase might only last a couple of months. However, for many, it stretches to six or seven. But hang in there! One night, after what feels like an eternity, you’ll wake up to find you’ve actually slept for eight uninterrupted hours. Panic sets in as you rush to check on your little one, expecting the worst. But lo and behold! Your child is fine and snoozing away. A sigh of relief escapes you—life is about to get easier, right? Well, not quite.
Phase 2 — Mobility
This stage is even trickier than sleep deprivation, and for two main reasons. Firstly, your child will discover every choking hazard imaginable, turning your home into a mini obstacle course. You might find yourself wishing you could banish all the toilets, trash cans, and pet bowls from existence. Secondly, you’ll suddenly become acutely aware of how dirty your home is, judging when to mop the floors by the color of grime on your child’s knees and feet. This phase lasts around two years, and just when you think you can relax—one day, you’ll leave the bathroom door open, and your little one won’t go exploring. You might even leave a trash can on the floor, and surprisingly, it will remain untouched for hours. Phew! Time to breathe a bit easier.
Phase 3 — Talking
You eagerly encourage your child to speak their first word. “Say Mama! Please, say Mama!” What you don’t realize is that once they start talking, they won’t stop. Those adorable initial “Mamas” quickly turn into an echo of 4,000 in a single hour. And when “Mama” is preceded by “You’re the worst” and followed by “ever,” well, that cuteness wears thin. This phase seems endless, but eventually, you come to terms with it.
Phase 4 — The Terrible Threes and Fours
Forget about the so-called “terrible twos”—they’re a walk in the park compared to the threes and fours. This time can push you to your limits, perhaps even into therapy or mandatory anger management classes. Your child will ask “Whyyyyyyyyy?” and plead “Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaase???” and scream “NO!” at least 387 times daily. Whoever invented time-outs must have been deep in this phase. You’ll emerge exhausted, panting, and on the brink of collapse.
Phase 5 — Lying
If you think your kids don’t lie, then you’re likely still in this phase, convincing yourself they don’t do it.
Phase 6 — But Jane’s Mom Lets Her Do It
This one speaks for itself.
Phase 7 — Teenagers
It’s hard to say which is tougher: this phase or Phase 4. Both can be equally harrowing. However, in this stage, your kids might be taller than you and can easily outrun you. So, yes, this phase may just take the cake.
Phase 8 — Can I Have Some Money?
This phase seems to last longer than all the others combined. I can attest to this, as I’m 45 years old, and I’m still navigating it daily.
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In summary, navigating the various phases of parenthood can often feel overwhelming, but it’s a journey filled with unique challenges and rewards.