Sometimes, I wonder if my marriage is on the verge of collapse; the kind of collapse that can’t be mended with just a night out or a getaway. At this juncture, even suggesting a simple date night feels like tossing a box of Band-Aids at a broken leg. I don’t want to mask the hurt with superficial fixes hoping it will somehow heal on its own. We’ve been doing that for far too long. A brief “timeout” isn’t going to suffice this time.
I can’t help but feel it’s my fault. My emotional foundation feels shaky, and I haven’t been standing firm for a while. Maybe I’ve relied on him too heavily. My not-so-great companion, Anxiety, seems to love wedging itself right between us. Plus, I don’t always excel as a homemaker, and when he walks through the door, it often looks like a tornado has swept through the house. Oh, the laundry is piled high, and you’re out of clean boxer shorts for tomorrow? Sorry, I was too busy chasing our son to make sure he stayed safe. You’re welcome.
We’re both exhausted—exhausted in the way that saps the joy out of our life together. Instead of savoring the beautiful moments we’ve built, we find ourselves resenting each other and bickering over trivial matters. Many say children bring couples closer together. Perhaps… in the delivery room and possibly in a nursing home, but beyond that? I call nonsense.
Our parenting approaches clash completely. Apparently, I’ve taken on the role of the disciplinarian. When I say “no,” it means just that. He, on the other hand, leans towards a “maybe,” which often translates to “yes.” I feel like the villain in our story with our teenager and toddler, while he seems unaware of why this frustrates me. After spending all day with a lively toddler, I practically bolt for the door when he comes home. Dinner? That’s a joke.
I don’t know why I anticipated this to be simpler. It feels like we’re the only ones grappling with the challenges of our seemingly perfect life, as no one talks about it. “Do you ever resent your partner?” is a question I wouldn’t dare ask, fearing the response would be, “Oh my God, how could I? Our life is flawless.” Thanks a lot, June and Ward Cleaver, for making it all seem so easy. There’s nothing easy about this.
Today, I miss my marriage. I miss my best friend and the solid “us” we were before all these wonderful blessings complicated everything. We used to elevate each other; we were a true team, capable of conquering anything together. Remember?
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In summary, the complexities of marriage can often overshadow the beauty of what once was. It’s essential to recognize the struggles while seeking ways to reconnect and strengthen the bond that initially brought you together.