I used to think of myself as relatively intelligent. I graduated from college with honors, and I have a faint recollection of being able to concentrate on tasks without distraction. But now, it feels like my brain is a chaotic amusement park ride, spinning wildly in multiple directions—much like the ride we called The Scrambler when I was a kid.
That’s precisely what my mind resembles since becoming a mother. It’s as if there’s a continuous whirlwind in my head, making it difficult to focus. While I may seem composed enough to type coherent sentences, I’ve spent the last few minutes correcting typos and juggling multiple tasks—like feeding kids, singing lullabies, breaking up sibling squabbles, searching for lost devices, and managing homework questions—all within the span of twenty minutes.
Motherhood has transformed me into a person with what feels like adult-onset ADD. I find it nearly impossible to concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes. Initially, this distraction was limited to when my children were around, but it has since infiltrated my rare moments of solitude. Even when I manage to carve out an hour of uninterrupted time, my thoughts ricochet from one concern to another:
- Are the kids consuming too much sugar?
- I should probably limit their screen time; it’s gotten out of hand.
- Do we have snow pants that fit everyone for the winter?
- How much are we going to spend on college? What if they don’t want to go right away?
- Did I remember the karate demonstration on Wednesday?
- I need to finish that work draft by tomorrow.
- Have I noted down the anxiety specialist’s info for my little one?
- The house is such a mess—what can I do about that?
- Is it time for my son to start learning a musical instrument?
- Did I leave any laundry in the washer?
While I’ve always had a wandering mind, it’s never been this overwhelming. It feels like there are just SO. MANY. THINGS. to keep track of. Organization helps to a degree, yet planning feels like just another task on my never-ending to-do list. I could spend the entire day writing down things to remember, and there would still be more popping up in my mind.
Sometimes, I dream of a solo getaway to a tranquil, picturesque place where I could take a day or two to regroup mentally. But would I truly be able to relax? Would I simply be consumed with thoughts about my husband and kids? Am I destined to never regain my focus for an extended period?
I ponder if my situation would improve if I weren’t working, or if I worked outside the home, or if we didn’t homeschool. Perhaps if I had more sleep or even won the lottery and could hire help with cooking, cleaning, and tutoring, I could think clearly. Maybe. But I doubt it. When you have multiple other lives intricately intertwined with your own, feeling scattered seems inevitable. It’s just part of motherhood—the responsibilities, the relationships, the chaos, the midnight wake-ups, the endless feeding and bathing, the worries, the schedules, the various phases of childhood, and still trying to maintain your sense of self.
It’s a dizzying experience. No wonder I find it hard to think straight. Ironically, I used to adore The Scrambler, but now it just leaves me feeling queasy. It’s probably because I’m already riding that wild ride in my head all the time.
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In essence, motherhood can leave you feeling scattered and overwhelmed, navigating a whirlwind of responsibilities and emotions. Yet, amidst the chaos, it’s a journey filled with love, growth, and the endless pursuit of balance.