Parenting Insights
The Secret to Joy? Cherishing Everyday Moments
by Clara Jensen
Updated: Aug. 12, 2015
Originally Published: Dec. 31, 2014
Clara: What’s a lesson about happiness you’ve learned since you turned 18?
Ryan: Like many young adults, I was extremely self-conscious and lacked self-awareness. I lived in a constant state of reactivity, where my emotions felt like the weather—unpredictable and stemming from outside influences. It was easy to become overwhelmed by fear, anger, or sadness. At that age, everything feels new and overwhelming; it’s as if you’re a primitive human trying to make sense of your surroundings. If the sun disappears, you panic, not knowing if it will return. Just the thought of it makes me want to embrace the nearest 18-year-old.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve developed the ability to identify my feelings and their sources. When I’m feeling down or irritable, I rewind mentally to discover the trigger. For instance, I might realize, “Oh! I’m upset because I let chores interfere with my writing today.” Or, “Hmm, I was in a good mood until I caught that news segment that made me anxious.” The quicker I can confront the issue or at least acknowledge it, the sooner I can regain my balance. And when a problem isn’t easily solved, I find comfort in knowing I’ve navigated tough times before. That’s perspective, a reward of experience that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
Is there a recurring habit that undermines your happiness?
I’m a recovering control freak. Whenever I try to manage someone else’s actions, I’m setting both them and myself up for unhappiness. In my memoir, I discussed how I micromanaged my partner’s interactions with our children during the early years of parenting, which was incredibly damaging. When every action or word conveys a lack of faith in another person’s ability to make decisions, it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
“It surprises me how much joy raising a family brings me. I never considered myself particularly maternal or even very suited for marriage.” This tendency is subtle, so I have to be mindful of my intentions when I offer “help” or “advice.” Often, there’s nothing more beneficial than simply showing someone that you believe in them.
Do you notice behaviors in others that either enhance or diminish their happiness?
Tom Petty captures a profound truth in his song from the Wildflowers album: “Most of the things I worry about never happen anyway.” A significant amount of unhappiness stems from worries about events that aren’t occurring. Life undoubtedly brings genuine sorrow, but when I reflect on today, I usually find that I’m okay. It’s tomorrow that brings anxiety, or I dwell on something from yesterday. It’s perplexing how difficult it is for us to remain present, especially when the current moment is often so enjoyable.
Have there been times when your happiness fluctuated significantly? If so, how did you navigate from unhappiness to joy?
Growing up in the far Northeast, I often joke that I didn’t realize I was a naturally cheerful person until I moved to the South. It’s true; I’m quite sensitive to sunlight. If Little Rock has three consecutive cloudy days, my mood plummets. Newfoundland is stunning, but there’s a reason its capital has the highest number of pubs per capita in North America. I might have self-medicated myself into oblivion long ago.
Have you ever been surprised that something you thought would bring you joy didn’t, or vice versa?
It genuinely astonishes me how fulfilling family life can be. I never imagined I would find such happiness in motherhood; I always believed I was meant for something grander than a simple life with a white picket fence. I envisioned writing a book about how I fell in love with my partner—an epic, cinematic romance. Yet, I discovered that the most profound adventures came after the fairy tale ending. The simplest moments often feel the most heavenly—those instances when I think, “This is bliss, right here and now.”
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Summary:
In this reflection on happiness, Ryan shares insights gained from experience, emphasizing the importance of recognizing emotional triggers and the joy found in ordinary moments. He discusses the pitfalls of control and highlights how many worries are unfounded. Ultimately, Ryan emphasizes the unexpected fulfillment found in family life and the need to embrace the present.