As I sat there, my delightful little one smacking me in the face repeatedly, it hit me that breastfeeding isn’t just about nourishment; it feels a lot like being part of an unintentional BDSM scenario. If you’ve nursed before, these scenarios may resonate with you…
- The Breast Slap: When your baby decides that the best way to signal for milk is to smack your chest — preferably in the middle of a crowded store or during a church service — because you weren’t quick enough to comply.
- The Thigh Crusher: When your sweet little angel insists on standing while nursing, using their tiny feet to dig into your thighs like they’re trying to peel a ripe banana.
- The Acrobat’s Assault: This maneuver showcases the flexibility of infants, incorporating everything from a roundhouse kick to your nose while still latched, to a surprise kick to your ear at the moment of detachment.
- The “I-Can’t-Believe-They’re-Not-Knives” Game: Those tiny fingernails turn into little weapons, scratching and clawing at your skin, especially on your delicate nipples — a recipe for “Ouch! What the heck?!”
- The Tantric Feeder: This nursing style disregards your cracked and sore nipples, as your baby insists on endless hours of feeding. Be prepared with Netflix and some soothing nipple cream for this prolonged form of endurance torture.
- The Headbutt Hustle: A classic tactic to ensure your immediate compliance, your baby will launch their head toward your breast with surprising force, often repeating this until you learn to be quicker on the draw.
- The Nipple Clamp: Instead of the usual suckling, your little one might decide to see if they can extract your lung while you try to break the latch. A tantrum ensues when they realize you’re not complying with their demands.
- The Refusal Technique: This advanced move, typically performed by older infants, can lead to meltdowns and milk spraying everywhere, all to assert their dominance over you.
- The Hickey Incident: In their eagerness, your baby might smash their head into your chest, leading to some colorful marks that last for days.
- The Biter: Self-explanatory! Your baby will feign remorse when you yell in pain, only to do it again, conditioning you to the discomfort.
Remember to stay safe, mamas! For additional insights on the challenges of nursing, check out this piece on intracervicalinsemination.com/blog. It’s a great resource for navigating the ups and downs of motherhood.
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In summary, breastfeeding may bring a range of unexpected challenges that can feel overwhelming at times. However, embracing the humor in these experiences can help lighten the load for nursing mothers everywhere.