When I was growing up, every family-friendly film proudly displayed a G rating. G stood for “good” or “golly-gosh” or simply “grandma approved.” A PG rating indicated that a character might have dropped an occasional curse word, and R ratings signified adult content, often featuring a famous actor saying something inappropriate. However, these days, G ratings are nearly extinct, and PG ratings offer little guidance for parents trying to determine if a movie is suitable for their child.
It’s clear that we need a new system for rating films. Here is a list of potential new ratings that might prove more useful for modern parents than the current confusing system:
ML—Mom Lives
How many times has a children’s movie opened with the tragic death of a parent? Disney has a notorious tendency to off mothers in the first act. The ML rating would assure parents that the mom (or dad, as a backup) makes it through the film until the very end. This way, you can avoid those sleepless nights where your child creeps into your room asking eerie questions like, “Are you going to die soon?”
ST—Sound Turned Up
This rating warns that the film’s audio is cranked up to 11. Make sure to bring earplugs or noise-canceling headphones, as the sound effects and music could be overwhelming!
EM—Endless Merchandising
If a film comes with a plethora of merchandise—a video game, a lunchbox, a novelization, themed clothing, and even light-up sneakers—you might want to hold off on watching it in theaters. You can always wait for it to hit Redbox, giving your wallet a break from your child’s relentless consumer demands.
VS—Viral Soundtrack
This rating indicates that the movie’s music has the potential to become the next catchy anthem, like “Let It Go” or “Under the Sea.” While charming, these tunes can stick in your head for days, and you’ll quickly learn how exasperating it can be to hear the same song on repeat.
BBT—Birds and Bees Talk
If your little one still thinks babies come from storks or that a friendly angel made mommy’s belly grow, certain scenes in this film may prompt discussions you’re not ready to have. But if your child rides the bus, chances are they’ve already heard a few things about the “facts of life” from older kids.
O-12—Obnoxious Pre-Teens
At least one character in this movie displays traits reminiscent of Bart Simpson or Beavis and Butthead. If that character has a catchphrase, be prepared for your child to repeat it non-stop. Any slapstick humor involving stunts will likely inspire your child to try them out at home.
CP—Creepy Puppets
Nothing sends chills down a child’s spine quite like a creepy puppet. Movies featuring them often leave kids feeling unnerved and questioning what’s real. Those lifelike dolls and clowns can become the stuff of nightmares.
NTON—Not Tatum O’Neal
Remakes abound, but nothing can replace the charm of classic performances. Remember that the kids’ films we loved often carry ratings that might surprise you today—many would be PG-13 at the very least. Have a look back at those favorites and see if they hold up under today’s scrutiny, perhaps adding a TW—Tanner Warning for those unexpected moments.
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In summary, the movie rating system could certainly use a refresh to better reflect the needs and concerns of today’s parents. From ensuring that mothers survive the storyline to preparing for the inevitable catchy songs that take over your household, these new ratings might just make movie nights a bit easier.