5 Ways to Keep Your Man Happy (Or Not)

Hey there, friends! So, I recently stumbled upon a few articles titled “5 Ways to Keep Your Man Happy.” Honestly, they made me roll my eyes more than anything else. Here’s a glimpse into how those suggestions play out in my home.

Suggestion #1: Greet him at the door wearing an apron and stilettos when he returns from work.

Reality Check: I get the kids to bed early and throw on an apron that hilariously reads, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.” The heels? Haven’t seen those since before the kids arrived. Instead, I’m rummaging through boxes in the basement, wearing just the apron. Of course, my four-year-old sneaks out and loudly announces, “Eww! Mom’s booty!” By the time my husband rolls in late, he finds me passed out on the couch, chips on my chest, and a mismatched pair of heels.

Suggestion #2: Surprise him at work wearing just a trench coat and heels.

Reality Check: As I leave the house looking like a bizarre mix of a spy and a summer fashionista, my babysitter and the neighbor are completely confused. The kids want to dress up too! When I finally arrive at his office, security stops me for a bag check. Red-faced, I make a quick exit back to my minivan.

Suggestion #3: Send him a sultry selfie. Bonus points for showing some skin.

Reality Check: I Google “permanency of text messages” and ponder the consequences of sending something risqué to his work phone. Locking myself in the bathroom, I try to pose seductively while the kids bang on the door. After some awkward attempts, I decide to leave my face out of it. A few hours later, he replies to my not-so-sexy pic with, “Did Johnny get another spider bite? It looks bad this time.”

Suggestion #4: Sit on his lap and tell him he’s your hero.

Reality Check: As I try to perch on his lap, he shifts over on the couch, saying, “Why don’t we just sit together?” Our two-year-old then hops up, and before I know it, the couch is a family fort. I lean over the little heads to whisper sweet nothings, and he replies, “Huh?” while switching Netflix to a superhero cartoon.

Suggestion #5: Make a reservation at his favorite restaurant and casually mention you’re not wearing any underwear.

Reality Check: His favorite? I consider the local pizza joint or fast food with a play area, but hey, we’re kid-free tonight. I lean in after the salad and whisper my daring secret. He says, “Oh, are we low on clean laundry?” After two glasses of wine, I’m practically asleep before I even get into my comfy PJs.

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In summary, while the suggestions might sound fun and flirty, reality often paints a much different picture. Parenting is filled with unexpected twists, and that’s what makes it all the more entertaining.