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by Jenna Reynolds
Updated: Aug. 19, 2015
Originally Published: April 7, 2015
I could see it in my son’s eyes—the way he was biting his lip, desperately trying to contain his smile. He was clearly pleased with himself. He nodded, spoke precisely as expected, and was polite and engaged—just as I had taught him.
Later, he expressed his enjoyment of this process. “I love being such a good student. Especially at parent-teacher conferences when I’m showered with compliments.”
He wasn’t bragging; he genuinely believed in the reward system his environment had set up, and I was right there with him, feeling proud and patting myself on the back for raising a child who is “a joy to have in the classroom.” My son cherished his gold stars because they made him feel valued.
But then I thought, “Am I raising a praise addict?” It’s a familiar struggle for me.
Earlier that same day, I found myself journaling and reflecting on my own relationship with praise while reading Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big. I was coming to terms with my dependence on positive feedback, realizing how it might actually be hindering my growth rather than promoting it. My son’s excitement about receiving compliments struck a nerve that was already raw from my self-examination.
I’ve always been a praise addict. As a child, I mimicked adult behavior, acting responsible and independent, and learned early on to rely on praise to affirm my intelligence and worth. Throughout my schooling, I consistently earned top marks and accolades. In my career, I crave recognition and acceptance. I don’t just enjoy praise; I need it—it’s my motivation.
I’ve always been willing to put in the effort, expecting that, on the other side, I’d be rewarded with success or acknowledgment. Just one little compliment is all it takes to keep me going. These affirmations come in various forms: “Excellent work!” from a boss, acknowledgment for simple chores, or the Likes and Tweets I check obsessively.
During a recent yoga class, while striving for the perfect pose, I found myself wondering, “Does the instructor see how well I’m doing?” When he acknowledged my efforts with a “Great job, Jenna,” it felt like my hard work had paid off.
Yes, I admit it—I’m a praise addict. And now my bright and charming child seems to be heading down the same path of seeking approval.
However, as Mohr points out, this behavior can limit us more than we realize. When we become hooked on praise, we start to define our worth and abilities by how others perceive us. To effect genuine change, we need to “influence authority figures, not just please them.”
Reading Mohr’s insights made me confront how much I need to change these ingrained habits. Each chapter feels like a bitter medicine I must swallow. I struggle against her anti-praise stance, which signals just how much rehabilitation I truly need.
So, what’s a parent to do? I want my children to respect themselves and others—teachers, peers, and adults. However, I also don’t want them to turn into praise-seeking machines. I don’t want them chasing gold stars, only to find themselves decades later needing to break free from a cycle of compliments.
How can we, as Mohr suggests, “unhook from praise” to prevent raising little approval-seekers in a world that often rewards performance and good behavior? When my son brought up how much he enjoys receiving compliments, I hesitated. I had one of those moments that felt like a perfect opportunity to plant a seed of wisdom, but my mind went blank. All I managed was silence.
Here’s what I wish I had said: “My dear son, you are incredible for so many reasons. You bring joy, compassion, and empathy to everything you do. Your unique blend of kindness and humor is what makes you special. Remember, you are not merely a collection of compliments. I want you to do your best, but more importantly, I want you to be yourself, even when it’s tough.”
He’d probably respond with, “Can I have dessert?” Regardless of whether he understands it now, my journey to overcome my praise addiction continues, with the hope that it will pay off eventually. With a bit of awareness, I believe we can strike a balance between celebrating achievements and fostering authenticity.
And while I would love for you to tell me how great I am doing as a parent, I’m not seeking your praise or feedback—not anymore.
This article was originally published on April 7, 2015.
For more insightful parenting discussions, check out our other posts, including this one about privacy in parenting.
Summary:
In this reflective piece, a mother contemplates her reliance on praise and its implications for both her and her son. As she recognizes her own need for validation, she grapples with the challenge of fostering self-worth in her children without creating praise addicts. The article emphasizes the importance of instilling intrinsic motivation and self-identity in a world that often rewards external validation.