If Your Pregnancy Tracker Was Totally Honest With You

Once you get that positive test result, one thing becomes crystal clear: the first trimester can feel like an eternity of waiting. Sure, there’s the thrill of sharing the news, diving into baby books, and planning for the little one, but once the excitement fades, you might find yourself staring at the wall, counting down days until your next ultrasound. So, what’s a mom-to-be to do? Obviously, download a pregnancy tracker app. (Because comparing your baby to a watermelon is a totally normal thing to do!) While these trackers keep you in the loop, they might not tell you the whole truth. Here’s what they might say if they were being completely candid:

Week 4:

Congratulations! You’re in for a long journey. Buckle up, mama; that’s ten months you’re looking at. (Yep, ten. Not nine.) Cheers! Just remember to stick with seltzer instead of bubbly.

Week 6:

That “pregnancy glow”? More like a high school oil spill on your face. And if you’re lucky, your growing bust will distract from the acne making a comeback. Celebrate the little wins, even if it’s just surviving the day.

Week 9:

Turns out, that $50 you spent on anti-nausea goodies could have gone toward a mountain of carbs that actually work. Indulge in those snacks while cozying up in your comfiest sweats. Get ready for some epic binge-watching sessions!

Week 13:

If you’re trying to keep your pregnancy a secret at work, remember to close your door while you’re battling nausea and catching a nap. And watch out for nosy coworkers, like Lucy from HR!

Week 16:

Now that the secret’s out, let that belly hang free! Embrace that third cheesy taco; it might get you into those maternity clothes sooner. Bye-bye, oversized shirts!

Week 19:

That bizarre burger topped with Nutella and olives? Sounds about right. Stock up on Tums, and if you’re one of those veggie-cravers, maybe keep that to yourself.

Week 21:

You’re halfway through—congratulations! Just a reminder: pregnancy is ten months long. Not nine. Got it? And let’s just say, Hugh Grant can take a hike.

Week 24:

This week’s lesson: fake wine doesn’t cut it. You’ll thank us later!

Week 29:

Remember when every kick felt magical? Yeah, those days are gone.

Week 33:

Your baby weighs about 4 pounds, while you’ve packed on 34. The math? A bit murky, just like your brain.

Week 37:

As you rush to finish the nursery and pack your hospital bag, the reality of possibly waiting another month might hit hard. Sorry, but that’s the truth.

Week 39:

Even if it feels like your baby is trying to break out, don’t worry—they’re not going anywhere just yet.

Week 41:

Call up those who guessed you’d deliver early and give them a piece of your mind. It might just lighten your mood for a moment. And when that wears off, Ben & Jerry will be waiting!

Now that you’ve finally welcomed your little one, you might be ready to ditch that pesky pregnancy tracker. But hold on—time to grab a baby tracker app! How else will you measure your baby against every other kid out there? You can thank us later when you’re trying to catch some much-needed sleep (or not!) while Googling “How much baby poop is normal?” in the dead of night. You’re welcome!

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In summary, pregnancy might feel like a long and winding road, but with humor and honesty, it becomes a little more manageable. Embrace the journey ahead!