Parenting Insights
When it comes to my children, my top priority is their happiness. But I sometimes wonder if I truly mean it.
Recently, an article in The New York Times detailed the community’s response to a series of tragic teen suicides in Palo Alto, California. The piece explored the intense pressure for achievement in a town nestled between Stanford University and Silicon Valley, shedding light on how parents—both directly and indirectly—contribute to this environment.
Education expert Sarah Richards refers to this phenomenon as the “hidden message of parenting.” This doublespeak manifests as parents simultaneously express a desire for their children’s happiness while being intensely focused on their academic and social achievements, often undermining their actual message about joy.
Though I don’t reside in Palo Alto, I recognize this conflicting narrative. I often tell my daughter how much I appreciate her love for reading, yet I find myself swapping out her favorite book for something more challenging without a second thought. I ask my kids about their day at school but frequently interrupt their stories about playground adventures to inquire about their latest test scores.
Could it be that “I just want you to be happy” has become a mere verbal habit, much like saying “I’ll love you no matter what”? While these sentiments are indeed genuine, do our children truly hear the love behind our words when we often follow up with messages that clash with them? I love you no matter what, but I’m disappointed you didn’t ace that exam. I just want you to be happy, but what was your grade?
Palo Alto is one of the wealthiest areas in the country, yet it is not alone in emphasizing high achievement among its youth. The pressures faced by students there—a fear of shame from getting a B or the anxiety surrounding college admissions—mirror the sentiments expressed by many high schoolers I know. This kind of thinking can be disordered and, at its worst, reflects an unhealthy obsession with success that sacrifices genuine well-being.
The silver lining for us as parents is that we have the opportunity to reconsider the implications of our words and how we encourage our children to flourish without causing harm. The real question is: will we take that opportunity?
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Summary
The article explores the disconnect between parents’ stated desire for their children’s happiness and the unintentional pressure they place on them regarding achievement. It emphasizes the need for parents to align their words and actions to foster genuine happiness in their children.