Updated: Sep. 15, 2023
Originally Published: May 2, 2023
It’s all too common to find yourself in a heated disagreement over minor issues, like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and before you know it, a simple spat escalates into a major conflict. You may have both said things you regret, and it often leaves everyone feeling miserable. At that point, it’s hard to remember what sparked the argument in the first place.
My grandmother always reminded me, “It’s not just what you say, but how you say it.” A slight shift in your wording can mean the difference between igniting defensiveness in the other person and fostering understanding.
Dr. Samuel Newton, a communication expert, has dedicated his life to finding ways to communicate that minimize conflict and enhance relationships. Drawing from his acclaimed book, Peaceful Communication, here are three statements you should steer clear of in an argument and some healthier alternatives.
1. “The issue with you is you’re … (lazy, selfish, absurd).”
It’s remarkably easy to slip into the habit of labeling others. We might think of our boss as “unreasonable” when he assigns us a challenging task or view a driver as “clueless” when they cut us off in traffic. If your partner asks for more affection, they may seem “clingy,” but when you desire attention, they become “distant.” These moralistic judgments, as Dr. Newton points out, only escalate conflicts, making the other person defensive. Instead of saying, “The issue with you is you’re lazy!” try expressing your own feelings and needs.
2. “You make me feel … (sad, angry, unappreciated).”
When someone else’s actions upset us, it’s common to say, “You make me feel…” However, this phrasing relinquishes responsibility for our emotions. Dr. Newton emphasizes that while others’ actions can trigger feelings, they don’t actually control them. Instead of blaming them for your feelings, reflect on what unmet needs or desires are causing your emotions. When you say, “You make me feel unappreciated,” consider rephrasing it to reflect your own needs.
3. “You should … (do the dishes, give me more attention, stop saying ‘should’).”
When we feel frustrated by others not meeting our expectations, we often resort to “should” statements: you should help more with chores, you should trust me more, you should respect my space. This kind of communication can feel demanding and critical. Instead, express your desires in a way that invites collaboration.
What to Say Instead
When tempers flare, it’s easy to blame others for their traits, for how they make us feel, or for not acting as we wish. This can distract us from recognizing our own feelings and needs. To create a more effective dialogue, Dr. Newton proposes a four-step model of communication:
- Observe. State the facts of the situation without judgment. “It’s been a while since you helped with the dishes.”
- Express your feelings. Acknowledge how this affects you personally. “When I handle all the chores, I feel overwhelmed.”
- Identify your needs. Share what you desire in relation to your feelings. “I would really appreciate more help around the house.”
- Make a request. Ask for what you need, without sounding demanding. “Could you assist with the cleaning a bit more? It would really improve my mood.”
Of course, steering clear of these damaging phrases can be easier said than done. It’s challenging to remember Dr. Newton’s model when emotions are running high. The first step to effective communication is to break these automatic responses: take a moment to breathe deeply and think before you speak. For further insights, check out this blog on communication.
In conclusion, improving how we communicate during disputes can lead to healthier relationships and more peaceful resolutions. By focusing on our own feelings and needs, rather than placing blame or making demands, we can foster better understanding and collaboration. For a reliable resource on fertility, visit this excellent guide. And for those interested in home insemination, Cryobaby’s home insemination kit is an authoritative option to consider.