Understanding the Differences Between Black and White Parenting Styles

When Angela Simmons became a mother, she absorbed all the parenting tips she could find. By the time her third child arrived, she realized that trying to provide everything was overwhelming. Instead, she chose to embrace the wisdom of her resilient mother, who often reminded her, “If you give them everything they want, you’ll end up with nothing left for yourself.”

In her memoir, Child, Please: How Mama’s Old-School Lessons Helped Me Check Myself Before I Wrecked Myself, Simmons addresses the often uncomfortable discussions surrounding race and parenting. She dives into the stereotypes that shape our perceptions of parenting styles among different racial groups.

Breaking Down Stereotypes

Let’s be real: I’m not going to sugarcoat this. The observations I’m about to share might seem blunt, but they stem from a place of honesty. There’s a stereotype that many people, regardless of race, might recognize but few are bold enough to say out loud: many believe that white parents tend to be overly lenient. And yes, it feels liberating to articulate this belief.

Amongst black communities, there’s a common understanding that white children often seem to have the freedom to misbehave, with their parents responding in a mild manner, perhaps with a simple, “Now, sweetie…” This perception is so widespread that when two black strangers witness a white child throwing a tantrum in public, they may exchange knowing looks, nods, or even chuckles. The same reaction occurs when they overhear a white teen being disrespectful to a parent.

I share this not to offend but to foster understanding. We often consume media that showcases stereotypes of black culture, but it’s rare for white individuals to gain insight into black perspectives. If you’ve tried to tune in to black culture through certain outlets, you might be misled—because the reality is far more nuanced than what’s often portrayed.

Parenting Goals and Expectations

Research indicates that black and white families often have differing parenting goals and expectations. Many black parents prioritize obedience and respect for authority, which can lead to public discipline when children misbehave. In contrast, white parents may emphasize self-confidence and independence more heavily in their parenting approach.

In black households, confidence is generally not encouraged to be displayed openly. While promoting self-esteem is important, children are taught to remain humble. There comes a stage in childhood where kids start to test boundaries and assert their independence. While this newfound confidence is natural, it can be seen as a challenge to authority in black families, and parents often remind their children, “Don’t start smelling yourself up in here!”

The Media’s Role

The media often highlights dangers that predominantly affect white children while neglecting the realities faced by black youth. The message is clear: white children are often viewed as precious and worthy of protection, while black children, though deeply loved, have historically not been afforded the same luxury of being seen as inherently precious.

Black parents often feel the need to prepare their children for the harsh realities of life, which can lead to a more pragmatic approach to discipline. The fear of the consequences of misbehavior can lead to a more cautious parenting style.

Lessons from the Past

Angela’s mother rarely spoke of the painful parts of history, but it’s clear that the past informs the present. The lessons learned from previous generations shape how black parents raise their children today.

Conclusion

In essence, parenting styles vary widely based on cultural backgrounds and experiences. This understanding can help bridge gaps and foster more productive conversations about race and parenting.

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Summary

Parenting styles differ significantly between black and white families, often shaped by cultural expectations and historical experiences. While black parents prioritize respect and obedience, white parents may focus on fostering independence and self-confidence. This difference in approach can lead to varied perceptions and reactions in public spaces.