One of my dearest friends is about to welcome her first child. She’s always been remarkably independent, having traveled to countless countries and earned a graduate degree overseas. Currently, she’s employed at one of the top universities in the U.S. She’s not only one of the funniest people I know, but also incredibly smart. Honestly, my kids might even choose her over me at times. Our bond is something special.
With her baby due in January, I find myself wanting to share so much with her. I want her to understand that it’s perfectly okay to feel a whirlwind of emotions. What can she expect? The truth is, I have no clue. Expect chaos. Expect the unexpected. Expect beauty mingled with hardship. But the specifics? Those are hers to navigate and discover.
Recently, while texting, she shared the emotional rollercoaster she’s experiencing—excited yet scared, depressed yet filled with love. I felt a wave of sadness and frustration while typing my response. I wrote: “Even after you hold your baby for the first time, those feelings will hit you in waves. You might find yourself longing for your old life back. But not really. This transition is tough, and too often it goes unrecognized. Please talk to me about everything, even the dark stuff.”
The sadness stemmed from the fear that she might feel isolated in her experiences. The frustration was over the same fear.
Talk to Me
Talk to me and share the thoughts that weigh on your mind.
I’m exhausted by the superficial conversations surrounding new moms—the way we sit across from them just days after giving birth, gushing over their adorable new baby while skirting around the deeper truths. We discuss baby gear, outfits, and all the cute accessories, while ignoring the real struggles.
The baby is fine. We can all see that.
But what about the woman? The one who’s just undergone a life-altering experience? She’s the one we should be focusing on. Look into her eyes and recognize the profound transformation she’s undergoing. See the woman who is navigating motherhood—full of love, fear, and confusion. Open a dialogue with her. If you haven’t been through it, listen and ask questions. Embrace and support her.
Perhaps she isn’t feeling overwhelmed, and that’s great. But if she is, she needs to know she’s not alone and that her feelings are valid. Welcome to the mothering journey; it’s not always sunshine and rainbows.
Let her talk. Let her share the darkness.
My Own Journey
I’ve been there. I’ve wrestled with the idea of whether I truly wanted children. I’ve fantasized about escaping. I’ve thought, “I hate this.” I’ve felt like I’ve lost my identity.
Once, when my first child was about a year old, I saw my brother in a lab coat, starting his medical career. My heart ached. I held my baby close and cried. He was embarking on his path, while I felt trapped in mine. I was only 22, yet felt paralyzed, yearning for more.
I scribbled my thoughts in journals, on napkins—anything to express what I felt. But there was never enough time for myself. I used to know who I was. Now, I was just a mom.
When I confided in my husband, he struggled to comprehend. He went back to work while I tried to adjust, but I couldn’t voice my feelings. Who experiences such thoughts? I adore my child, yet how could I explain the conflicting emotions?
It simmered inside me—a mix of guilt and rage, entangled with love for my child. I watched her sleep, ensuring she was okay. I was consumed by her presence, but the darkness stayed hidden, my secret alone.
I believed I was the only one grappling with these thoughts. Looking around, I saw happiness everywhere—perfect moms in yoga pants and ponytails. But deep down, I now know I wasn’t alone. Many women have felt the same, yet no one spoke up.
Friends would come over, and we’d chat about baby clothes and parenting plans, but we never touched on the darker sides of motherhood. When they left, I often felt worse, burdened by my hidden struggles.
I refuse to accept this any longer. I urge you to speak about the shadows. Share the moments when you felt like you couldn’t go on. Talk about the things you kept hidden. Connect with the woman in front of you.
With a weary smile and a cracked voice, I could have shared my darkness too. Perhaps then I would have known that light awaits just around the corner.
And as my friend prepares for her journey into motherhood, I hope she remembers that she is not alone.
Resources
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Summary
This article explores the emotional complexities of new motherhood, emphasizing the need for open conversations about the darker feelings that often accompany this life transition. It encourages support and connection among mothers to foster understanding and acceptance of all emotions experienced during this journey.