If you’ve ever voiced disappointment or sadness regarding your birth experience, chances are you’ve encountered the phrase: “All that matters is a healthy baby.” It’s a sentiment that’s often repeated, but it’s one that doesn’t need to be said. There’s a stigma surrounding the notion of not being completely satisfied with childbirth, and it can be isolating and damaging for women. New mothers, it’s okay to feel upset about your birth experience. It in no way reflects on your capabilities as a mother or your character.
My own first delivery ended in an emergency c-section that left me terrified. My baby’s heart rate dropped dangerously low, leading to a frantic rush from the delivery room to the operating room. The chaos and fear were overwhelming, and I couldn’t shake the thought: “This isn’t happening to someone else; it’s happening to me. My baby might not survive.” Thankfully, he was born healthy and beautiful, and for that, I am grateful. Yet, the shock of that experience lingered. My memories of his birth are overshadowed by panic and horror, making emotional recovery a challenging journey.
For three long months after that day, I cried almost daily. It felt like I was hit with the same phrase over and over: “Well, the most important thing is that your baby is healthy.” My response? “Really? No kidding.” I felt like I was failing a parenting test by not pushing my own feelings aside and simply being grateful for my healthy child.
When someone faces a difficult situation, the instinct is often to remind them that it could be worse. However, this only serves to make someone feel guilty for their valid emotions. Women who have encountered birth trauma—or even those who simply didn’t enjoy their experience for various reasons—are entitled to their feelings. The birth of a child is a monumental, life-altering event. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to express how it made you feel?
Telling a woman to dismiss her emotions because she has a healthy baby is not only patronizing but also cruel. It implies that her feelings are invalid simply because others may face more severe circumstances. Yes, some mothers tragically lose their babies during childbirth, and while that is a catastrophic event, it’s not comparable to the traumatic feelings stemming from a challenging birth. Reminding a new mom of what could have happened is hardly comforting.
If you know someone who has had a tough birth experience, consider saying:
- “I’m sorry.”
- “You made it.”
- “I’m here for you.”
Try not to make everything solely about the baby. Remember, the woman who just gave birth is a person too.
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Summary:
Women should feel empowered to acknowledge their feelings after childbirth, regardless of the outcome. It’s essential to validate their emotions without dismissing them in the name of a healthy baby. Support and understanding are key for new mothers navigating their unique experiences.