As a new mom, I’ve discovered that I have plenty of time on my hands—not the “clean the house or do laundry” kind of time, but the “let my thoughts wander while waiting for my coffee” kind. During these quiet moments, I find myself contemplating the mysteries of motherhood that often leave me perplexed. Months into this journey, I’m still grappling with these questions that may never have clear answers:
- What is BPA, really? Is it as harmful as asbestos or gluten? All I know is that it’s something I should definitely steer clear of.
- Why does no one want to hear my thrilling birth story? It’s quite the adventure! I understand that terms like “episiotomy” might make people uncomfortable. But come on—no one wants to hear about my epic battle with pain or the color of my amniotic fluid?
- Is it normal for mothers to think their newborns are adorable? Because sometimes, they resemble a Cabbage Patch version of Gollum. Still cute? Just checking.
- Why are baby clothes so incredibly complicated? We’re changing them constantly, yet they come with a million snaps. By the time I get the baby back in her onesie, she’s already soiled it again. Why can’t clothing designers take a cue from strippers and create outfits with tear-away Velcro?
- Why do I have at least 20 different types of pacifiers, yet my baby insists on using only one? And why has that specific one been discontinued?
- Does my baby going to sleep at 1 a.m. and waking up at 4 a.m. count as her sleeping through the night?
- Why do I turn into a clumsy detective the moment my child finally falls asleep? Bumping into everything that makes noise or has a light?
- Who creates the jingles for children’s toys? It’s frustrating when they don’t even rhyme or follow a tune. My little one has toys that interrupt their verses with giggles—which seems like lazy songwriting. Wouldn’t toys sell better if they were voiced by someone charming, like British children or Morgan Freeman?
- Will I ever say the word “nipple” in casual conversation without blushing like a teenager? The new terms in my vocabulary—such as “nipple confusion,” “breast pump,” “co-sleeper,” and “rash cream”—make me feel less like a mother and more like a production assistant for a really awkward film.
- How many calories are in a placenta? When people consume it, do they cook it first, maybe sauté it with some veggies, or do they just gulp it down raw like they’re training for a triathlon?
- Is there a way to prevent my nursing curtain from turning into a Dutch oven? Because it’s getting pretty steamy in there.
- How critical is it for me to know my baby’s growth metrics? I have no clue what “percentile” she falls into, so I’ve just been making it up: 85th percentile in ‘arm chub,’ 98th in ‘screaming volume,’ and 5th in ‘sleeping through the night.’
- Why does even the simplest toy require assembly? Seriously, do toy manufacturers not see the irony in me needing tools to put together a toy tool set?
- What’s with the name “Baby Bullet”? Those are two words that should never be paired, like “organic cookies” or “peaceful sleep.”
- It gets easier… right? I keep hearing that toddlers and teenagers are a breeze compared to this. For now, I’m choosing to hold onto that hope.
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In summary, as new mothers, we often find ourselves pondering a plethora of questions that reflect the humorous and bewildering journey of parenthood. From the complexities of baby gear to the absurdities of our new vocabulary, these questions remind us that we are not alone in our confusion.