Recently, my 4-year-old daughter asked if I could join her for a game while I was busy frying potatoes and managing a fussy baby in a high chair. With a forced cheerfulness, I agreed, aiming to combat my usual irritability when she requests elaborate costume creations like a “Superhero in a Snowstorm.” However, juggling Qwirkle with sizzling oil turned out to be more challenging than anticipated. After she urged me for the third time to take my turn, I snapped, “Do you understand how tough it is to cook and play a game at once?” Of course, she didn’t. She hasn’t cooked before. I worried I might be teaching her that asking for attention could lead to frustration.
We’ve all witnessed couples whose disagreements turn gatherings into uncomfortable events. It made me ponder the kind of relationship model my marriage presents to my kids. To gain deeper insights, I consulted Dr. Mia Johnson, a therapist trained by the Gottman Institute, to explore how to foster good relationships and demonstrate them to children. Here are my key takeaways on what happy couples teach their kids.
1. Responding to Requests for Attention
Drs. Julie and John Gottman, a married duo of psychologists, emphasize the importance of “bids for attention.” These are small gestures that can either strengthen or weaken a relationship. For instance, if my partner shares something intriguing from his work, I can respond positively by showing interest. Dr. Johnson notes that happily married couples engage positively 86% of the time, while unhappy couples do so only 33% of the time. It’s all about emotional support, even in the little things, like acknowledging a simple question.
2. How to Politely Defer Attention
Being a mother often means prioritizing others’ needs, even when life gets hectic. I need to learn how to say, “I can’t listen right now, but I’d love to hear your story after lunch,” without sounding irritated.
3. Managing Stress Without Overreacting
Balancing parenting, chores, and work can often feel overwhelming, but it’s vital to remember that my frustrations shouldn’t be directed at my children. Learning to handle stress without taking it out on loved ones is an essential skill in any relationship.
4. Making Amends After Miscommunication
When I respond harshly to my daughter’s requests, it’s important to apologize and acknowledge my behavior. Making amends reassures her that I value her feelings. I made sure to apologize for my reaction during our game and promised to play again later.
5. Fostering a Culture of Appreciation
Expressing gratitude openly is crucial. Dr. Johnson suggests we regularly acknowledge each other’s contributions, such as saying, “Thank you for the wonderful dinner,” or “I appreciate how you handled the kids’ teachers.” This creates a home environment where appreciation thrives.
6. Encouraging Social Connections
Being involved in our children’s social lives is essential. Knowing who they are friends with and inviting them over fosters an environment of respect. If children encounter peers who treat them poorly, they’ll learn to seek better relationships based on the foundation we’ve laid at home.
7. Avoiding Contempt in Relationships
The Gottmans identified contempt as a significant predictor of divorce. If children grow up witnessing disrespectful interactions, they may come to accept such behavior as normal. It’s crucial to model respect and kindness.
8. Understanding Humor and Hostility
Sometimes jokes can mask contempt. For example, a seemingly harmless quip can hurt deeply. Recognizing this helps us communicate with care.
9. Creating Your Own Family Culture
It’s easy to slip into traditional gender roles, but it’s essential to negotiate and establish a family culture that reflects mutual respect and shared responsibilities. Couples should engage in ongoing discussions about their values and expectations to cultivate a supportive environment.
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In summary, the lessons learned from happy couples can significantly influence how children view and approach relationships in their lives. By modeling healthy communication, appreciation, and mutual respect, we can help guide our children toward fulfilling connections.