“Good morning! Everything is terrible. Especially you. Let’s just say it: you’re the worst.”
“It’s already 8 AM! Where’s my cheeseburger?!”
“Ugh, your wardrobe is just tragic. You look like you stumbled out of a thrift store dumpster. And why even wear a bra?”
“Hey there! Why not try giving yourself some bangs? Oh, yes, that’s it! Just a few more snips, and you’ll end up sobbing. Perfect!”
“Feeling feisty? I could totally call your mother to stir things up.”
“Your family is driving me bananas! They only act like this when I’m around. Seriously, the sound of your partner chewing is like nails on a chalkboard! And those little ones can’t even dress themselves.”
“Now seems like the ideal moment for a rant about how unappreciated you are. Do these people think the laundry magically does itself or that groceries just appear in the fridge?”
“You never let me smash anything! Seriously, you’d feel so much better if you shattered some dishes instead of washing them. Throwing rocks at cars from the porch sounds therapeutic too. Just let me slam a few doors!”
“Your house is a disaster zone. If you don’t scrub the burnt stuff off the stove and clean the door frames in the next twenty minutes, I might just set the place ablaze.”
“Let’s escape! Or better yet, I’ll make everyone else run away. But it’s raining, and they’re all cozy inside. I don’t think a good tantrum will budge them today. I’ll just work on a full-blown meltdown instead. If you could just choke-sob and hyperventilate into a heap on the floor, that’d be great.”
“Skip the shower today. What’s the point? It won’t put a dent in this mountain of self-loathing we’ve got going on.”
“Seriously, what’s wrong with you? Do you even have any real problems? You’re such a shallow, entitled mess. Get it together!”
“Am I being harsh? Just think of all the poor souls who have to look at your face.”
“What’s your purpose in life, exactly?”
“I thought you were a writer! Why aren’t you creating? You’re just sitting there like a total loser. Wait, I see an idea brewing. Nope, that’s dumb. Delete it. You should just give up.”
“Wait, you think this is my fault? This is just how you are now. No turning back. The walls of your mind are caving in, and here come the folks in white coats.”
“Hold on! Where do you think you’re off to? Why the running shoes? What’s this ‘acupuncture’ appointment I see on your calendar? Is that a meditation pillow? Is that bath salts I smell? I’m outta here!”
This article was originally published on June 6, 2015.
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In summary, navigating the wild thoughts that come with PMS can feel overwhelming, filled with self-doubt, frustration, and a desire for chaos. But remember, you’re not alone in these feelings. Embracing the humor in these moments can make the ride a little smoother.