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Recently, while rummaging through my jewelry box for some earrings, I came across a tarnished ring that took me back to a time I’d rather forget. It was a piece of jewelry I had tucked away, yet its effects lingered long after I stopped wearing it. If you grew up in the ’80s and were part of a Christian youth group, you might recognize the True Love Waits ring, a symbol of commitment to remain sexually pure until marriage, worn on the left ring finger.
As I held the ring, its silver dulled and tarnished, the bold black letters proclaiming my vow to abstain from sex until marriage stood out, a stark reminder of the expectations I faced. Instead of fond memories, I was reminded of the shame, confusion, and frustration that accompanied growing up in a purity culture.
The True Love Waits Movement
The True Love Waits movement aimed to honor God by encouraging young people to save sex for marriage, which was defined strictly as a union between a Christian man and woman. Same-sex marriage was not only illegal but also deemed unacceptable in the eyes of God. The focus was on saving our virginity until marriage, after which we could engage in sex freely, primarily for the purpose of procreation.
Navigating Expectations
However, navigating the expectations around sex was anything but straightforward. We received no education about sex, bodies, or consent, only the message to abstain. Fear loomed large—getting pregnant or contracting an STD meant facing our parents, which was the ultimate nightmare.
While the idea of waiting until marriage isn’t inherently problematic, the True Love Waits narrative was steeped in guilt and shame. It’s hard to imagine how those in leadership expected us to transition smoothly from a life of abstinence to a fulfilling sexual relationship after marriage. Years of being taught that sex was sinful made it difficult to embrace intimacy with a spouse.
The Pressure of Perfection
As teenagers, we were told our desires would lead us to hell. The cycle of sneaking around with crushes only to repent afterward became a confusing norm. For me, a perfectionist, the pressure of True Love Waits consumed my thoughts: Does God still love me? When have I crossed the line? Shouldn’t my love for God outweigh my desire for physical connection? The result was a complicated relationship with myself, my boyfriend, and God.
Dating and Relationships
Dating was seen as a step towards marriage, a notion that was implied but rarely articulated. We were cautioned against dating anyone who wasn’t “marriage material,” which meant being a Christian and a virgin. The message was clear: sex complicates relationships. We were given a few out-of-context Bible verses and told that sex creates a sacred emotional bond—this comprised our entire Sex Ed education.
The one person in our youth group who did become pregnant faced immense pressure to marry her boyfriend immediately. The idea was to start their life together swiftly, as living with shame was unacceptable. Marriage was seen as a remedy for their circumstances, even though divorce was also considered sinful.
The Absurdity of Quick Marriages
Pushing teenagers to find their “one” as quickly as possible is absurd. We were told it was “better to marry than burn with passion,” and with those urges already ignited, many felt compelled to marry their soulmate quickly.
The Impact of Shame
The most troubling aspect of True Love Waits is the pervasive shame it instilled in all of us, irrespective of our choices. Those who had sex before marriage were left with damaging beliefs about God’s love and judgment, while those who waited spent years unlearning toxic narratives about their bodies and relationships. Moreover, LGBTQ+ individuals were often made to feel like abominations.
There are no real victors in this scenario. Some have recognized that True Love Waits was rooted in shame rather than purity, leading them to healing through counseling and education, while others continue to silently suffer. Alarmingly, some still uphold the True Love Waits message and may pass it to their children.
A Message of Love and Healing
If you were part of the True Love Waits culture, remember this: God loves you, and your past choices do not define that love. Notably, Joshua Harris, the author of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” which promoted sexual purity, has since distanced himself from the book. We have a chance to break this cycle and raise our children with healthier perspectives about their bodies, relationships, and consent.
I chose not to discard my True Love Waits ring; it serves as a powerful reminder of my journey and the healing I’m still pursuing. I am happily married to the person I waited for, but my happiness stems not from the True Love Waits ideology, but from embracing my authentic self, and my partner has done the same.
Summary
This article reflects on the author’s experience with the ‘True Love Waits’ ring, a symbol of sexual purity that brought feelings of shame, confusion, and frustration due to its association with toxic purity culture. The author highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on young people regarding sex, relationships, and marriage, and the lasting impact of these messages. Ultimately, it stresses the importance of breaking the cycle of shame and fostering healthier discussions about sexuality and consent for future generations.