To all the wonderful dads out there, I hope your Father’s Day is filled with joy. I understand that in some families without fathers, mothers or other guardians are celebrated on this day. They embrace the dual role of both parents and deserve recognition for their love and dedication. I wholeheartedly support families celebrating in whatever way feels right to them, as love takes many forms.
However, each year, I receive messages wishing me a happy Father’s Day, and I must clarify: I don’t wish to be acknowledged on this day. I am not a dad.
I prefer not to be seen as fulfilling both parental roles. The idea that I should be considered a part-dad feels as misplaced as being addressed as “sir.” While I might engage in typical fatherly activities or wear clothing traditionally associated with men, I am not a father.
I am unapologetically open about who I am. I’m gay, I love women, and I’m married to a wonderful woman with whom I’m raising three kids. We are a family with two moms, and my children do not have a father. I appreciate the kindness behind the Father’s Day greetings, but I don’t want them. My celebration was in May—Mother’s Day, or as we prefer to call it, Mothers’ Day.
My eldest daughter has been in daycare since she was six months old. We chose a school known for its diversity and strong reputation. When her class prepared for Father’s Day art projects, my partner and I were curious to see how her teachers would approach it. At just one year old, my daughter was too young to comprehend, but at age two, her teachers seamlessly wrote “Mommy” instead of “Daddy” on her artwork.
By the time she turned three, her awareness of family dynamics had grown. I admit I was apprehensive about how she would navigate Father’s Day. The Mother’s Day breakfast was a delightful event, but I wondered how she would feel during the Father’s Day celebration, being the only child without a dad.
Though she dances without a care in the grocery store, would she feel out of place in a group where everyone had a father? Would she understand that it’s okay to celebrate fathers, even when she doesn’t have one? Would she feel proud of having two moms?
We asked her teachers to help her create a Father’s Day gift for Pop-Pop, my partner’s father and her only grandfather. She has come to understand that she has two moms while recognizing that some of her friends have both a mom and a dad. It’s fascinating how she notices the lack of diversity in some of her favorite stories, like those featuring the Berenstain Bears.
As she plays with her toys, her narratives often include both a mom and a dad. This concerns me—not because she yearns for a father figure, but because it reinforces a narrative that everyone must have both a mom and a dad. While she knows her family is loved and accepted, she’s also aware that she’s unique among her friends.
Fortunately, it bothers me more than it bothers her. She proudly crafted a Father’s Day present for Pop-Pop and did not seem affected when we opted out of the Father’s Day lunch. When a friend asked, “But Eva doesn’t have a daddy; who will be here for her?” she remained unfazed.
My partner encouraged her to give a hug to her friend’s dad, mirroring the affection received on Mother’s Day. Most dads were busy, and the kids enjoyed pizza instead. I often wonder how she would react in a setting celebrating something she doesn’t have.
One day, I hope her friends will understand that my partner and I will always be there for Eva. She doesn’t need a dad, nor do we require acknowledgment on Father’s Day. Such labels can undermine the equal parenting efforts of LGBTQ+ families. The implication that a child needs both a mom and a dad to thrive is misleading; families are complete in many forms.
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In summary, while Father’s Day is a special occasion for many, it’s important to recognize and celebrate the diverse family structures that exist today. Each family’s love is valid, and every parent deserves acknowledgment in their own right.