Reflections on Turning 39: A Journey of Gratitude

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As I woke up on my 39th birthday, I found myself filled with gratitude for two things: my hair and my breasts. Sure, there were other blessings to acknowledge—like the way my son Leo nestled his face in my hair at dawn, or how my partner Jake meticulously organized a surprise breakfast with cake and presents. Yet, it was my hair and breasts that lingered in my thoughts.

In the week leading up to my birthday, two dear friends faced daunting health challenges—one had to shave her head, while the other learned she might lose her breasts. This made my feelings of gratitude feel somewhat selfish. I wrestled with the idea of being thankful that I was not the one facing such trials. It felt wrong to celebrate my own good fortune while others suffered. Instead of pure gratitude, I felt a cautious unease, as if waiting for the next hardship to come knocking at my door.

At 39, I still find myself puzzled by many aspects of life. I grapple with the intricacies of eyeliner application, the reasons why guys might not call as promised, and the complexities of marriage and parenting. I often feel like I’m navigating through uncharted waters, especially in my career, where I hoped for more clarity and wisdom by this age.

What I’ve learned is that certainty is a rare commodity. Life is unpredictable, with countless twists and turns that can happen at any moment—whether it’s a routine doctor’s visit that reveals a lump or an unexpected accident caused by someone having a bad day. Such unpredictability can be unsettling, particularly when it affects those we care about. Yet, it also highlights the interconnectedness of our lives.

Social media has made it possible to witness the joys and struggles of friends from afar, connecting us in ways I never imagined. I now find myself aware of their challenges—like health issues, heartbreaks, and personal losses. This knowledge brings a bittersweet heaviness; I feel their pain and joy as I scroll through updates. It’s hard to ignore the reality that these things can happen to anyone, including me.

On my birthday morning, while appreciating my hair and breasts, I realized how little we can truly ask of the universe. Essentially, we wish to remain whole, healthy, and close to our loved ones. Everything else—like career success or financial stability—feels like icing on the cake.

So, here I am at 39. I may not have all the answers, but I do have my hair, my breasts, and a newfound understanding that life is a tapestry of experiences, both joyful and painful.

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In summary, turning 39 has opened my eyes to the beauty and unpredictability of life. While I embrace my blessings, I also acknowledge the struggles of those around me, reinforcing our shared humanity.