Parenting
By Jessica Morgan
Updated: July 20, 2021
Originally Published: July 16, 2015
Warning: This is satire; please don’t take these steps seriously.
Ever dreamed of being a helicopter parent? Want your little ones to stay close to you indefinitely, unable to navigate the world independently? Look no further! Here’s a humorous guide to ensure your children remain dependent on you… forever.
Step 1:
Never let your kids tackle anything solo. Why would they need to learn to tie their shoes or pour their own juice? You’ve got it covered, so keep those little hands from ever having to try.
Step 2:
Insert yourself into every aspect of their lives. Take charge during social encounters, and if they don’t get their way, don’t hesitate to intervene! When they reach college and earn a B on an exam, just pick up the phone and have a chat with the professor—nothing unusual about that, right?
Step 3:
Always fulfill their every desire. Your sweet angels deserve the best of everything, because after all, they are the precious products of your love. Remember Veruca Salt? Yeah, be like her!
Step 4:
Ensure your children never experience failure. What can they learn from it anyway? Instead of allowing them to struggle with chores or schoolwork, take over! They’ll be grateful when you’re texting their friends to mediate relationship drama.
Step 5:
Balance your reality with a touch of delusion. This is particularly useful when you find yourself still helping your 10-year-old with basic hygiene.
Step 6:
Judge other parents who encourage independence as “mean.” Your kiddos will remain eternally young, and you’ll bask in the spotlight of their dependency.
Step 7:
Join forces with other like-minded moms. They’ll understand your need to shield your child from the “harsh” realities of life and support your mission to keep them from becoming functioning adults.
Step 8:
Carry the weight of guilt if your child faces any discomfort. Your little one should never encounter challenges that might cause them to grow or learn—gasp.
Step 9:
Keep constant engagement with your child. They should never lack stimulation, lest they end up as a recluse playing video games in the basement.
Step 10:
Lastly, start saving for future investments. You might need extra funds for when your child, at the ripe age of 35, needs to enroll in a “Failure to Launch” boot camp. Yes, it’s a real thing!
And there you have it! 10 easy steps to become a helicopter parent, ensuring you’re always a phone call away—even when they’re well into their 40s!
For more about the journey of parenthood, check out this one of our other blog posts on terms and conditions. If you want to learn more about self-insemination, make sure to visit CryoBaby’s Home Intracervical Insemination Syringe Kit for expert insights. And for a fantastic resource on pregnancy and home insemination, don’t miss Healthline’s guide.
Summary: This satirical piece humorously outlines the steps to becoming a helicopter parent, emphasizing the importance of constant involvement and support for children, while also poking fun at the extremes of over-protectiveness.