I recently sat down with a friend who was scrolling through her phone, eager to share photos of her daughter, a first-year college student. This friend, a capable and intelligent woman, has two thriving kids. “Look how great she looks! Isn’t she happy? Everything seems fine, right?” she asked, anxiety creeping into her voice. Indeed, her daughter appeared vibrant and healthy.
However, this young woman had recently faced some tough times, and like any caring mother, my friend couldn’t shake the worry that something might still be amiss. It reminded me of a beloved character from Ludwig Bemelmans’s Madeline series—Miss Clavel, who always sensed when things weren’t quite right: “In the middle of one night Miss Clavel turned on the light and said, ‘Something is not right!’”
The intricacies of motherhood come with a constant vigilance, always on the lookout for signs that something may not be right. Whether it’s a tone of voice during a phone call or a subtle expression in a social media post, parents often have an instinct about their children’s wellbeing.
In past generations, sending kids off to college meant being mostly in the dark about their lives. Aside from the occasional letter or a weekly long-distance call, parents had little insight into their children’s experiences. College students could change hairstyles, gain the dreaded freshman 15, or have adventures without their parents knowing until they returned home for the holidays.
Fast forward to today, and the landscape has drastically changed. Parents can now spend hours scrolling through Instagram or, less frequently, Facebook, analyzing their college kids’ photos. We count beer bottles, scrutinize outfits, and dissect the body language of friends and partners. Every snapshot can spark worry—was that a forced smile? Is he surrounded by friends or feeling isolated? Is she skipping class after a party?
When my daughter left for college in 2008, I joined Facebook and found that viewing her pictures became an ongoing fascination. Being friends on social media gave me a unique window into her life, 3,000 miles away. Each image provided insights into her daily experiences, often revealing more than her words did. Even from afar, it felt like I was intrusively peeking into her world. This kind of knowledge—while tempting—can be detrimental for both parents and children. It’s crucial for young adults to carve out their independence without their parents hovering.
College is a pivotal time for personal growth, and experiencing challenges is a vital part of the journey toward adulthood. It’s not healthy for mothers to witness real-time snapshots of their children in vulnerable moments, whether they’re struggling with alcohol or simply feeling down. As parents, we can often sense when something is not right, even from a photo.
Social media connects us to our children in unprecedented ways, allowing us to stay updated no matter where they are. But perhaps it would be healthier for everyone involved if we accepted a little less awareness of their lives after they leave home. It could lead to better outcomes for both the children and their parents.
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Summary
Navigating the world of social media can be challenging for parents of college students, who often find themselves worrying about their children’s wellbeing through the lens of carefully curated online images. While staying connected has its benefits, it can also lead to increased anxiety. As parents, finding a balance between being informed and respecting the independence of our children is essential.