Have you ever stumbled upon a TV show that felt like a mirror to your own life? Back in February 2011, I watched an episode of Modern Family that hit home for me. Claire was furious with Phil for wanting to share a new salad he’d discovered, while she had been raving about the wedge salad for years. Phil was at a loss, trying to understand why her frustration seemed so disproportionate to the situation.
I can relate. Over the years, I’ve found myself wrestling with feelings that my partner, Jake, either isn’t hearing me or, if he is, he often dismisses my ideas unless they come from someone else. This was such a common occurrence in our early days of marriage that my sister and I joked about it. For instance, when Jake and I were shopping for our first couch, my sister quipped, “Just have Tom recommend the one you like.” Tom, a mutual friend, somehow had the magic touch when it came to influencing Jake’s choices, even if I expressed the same thoughts.
One day, I excitedly brought up a fun outdoor activity called geocaching, which is essentially a treasure hunt using GPS. I mentioned it several times, but Jake didn’t seem to register my enthusiasm. I even left magazines about geocaching on his desk, scrawling “Read Me!” in bright Sharpie. Still, nothing. Then, months later, Jake came home thrilled about this new hobby he had just learned about—geocaching! In an instant, he was gathering supplies, kids, and our pup for an adventure.
What struck me was that I could have sworn I was the one who introduced him to the idea. It’s funny how he didn’t seem to connect the dots. Regardless, he dove into geocaching with gusto, making it a fantastic way for him to bond with our kids during outdoor adventures—just as I’d envisioned.
It’s easy to think that I shouldn’t tolerate such dynamics in our relationship. Shouldn’t he listen to me right away about things like redecorating or planning a trip? I understand that instinct, but marriage often requires a delicate balance of patience and compromise. It’s like a long dance with plenty of opportunities for missteps.
I’ve caught myself judging other couples based on their differences from us, only to realize that their rhythm simply varies from ours. I recall hearing about friends who would hide their shopping from their husbands to avoid confrontation. I swore I’d never accept a partner who scrutinized my spending habits, yet I later discovered we had our own quirks to navigate.
While we share similar values regarding finances, parenting, and faith, we diverge significantly in other areas. Jake is all about action, while my favorite activity is lounging with a good book. He takes his time to process information, whereas I prefer to make snap decisions. We even lean toward different political views.
Over time, I’ve learned that waiting for Jake’s eager approval on my ideas—whether it’s about painting a room or planning a getaway—would leave me waiting indefinitely. In the past, I would get frustrated and eventually abandon my ideas. I even hoped that someone like Tom would swoop in and back me up.
Now, I recognize that Jake will likely have a different perspective about 80% of the time. Even when we both want to tackle a project, our visions often don’t align. With age and experience, I’ve adopted a new approach: I initiate plans and allow Jake the space to warm up to them. I present him with a narrowed-down list of options, so he can contribute without feeling overwhelmed. He reciprocates when it comes to tech or financial decisions.
I also try to be crystal clear about my needs, whether it’s insisting on a bathroom break during a road trip or pushing for a puppy for our daughter. When it came to adopting our dogs, Coco and Max, I found them and allowed Jake to gradually come around to the idea. It’s all part of the dance. And amidst the inevitable missteps, it helps to remember that while Jake has some great qualities, I’m not always the easiest person to live with either.
P.S. Tonight’s dinner? Wedge salad!