Navigating life over the past 16 years with my husband has been a journey filled with complexities. From managing a household to transitioning between jobs and raising children, I often felt like a soldier trudging through the trenches of daily life. While my experience wasn’t exactly a battlefield, I found myself entrenched in the challenging terrain of communication—scaling the heights of discussions about household responsibilities and parenting. I was determined to create a strategy to help my husband understand me better, ensuring that we, two individuals who pledged our love before family and friends, would weather any storm together.
I thought I was doing well with my plan, until I realized a significant flaw. My focus had become so narrowed, fixating solely on the immediate challenges before me that I lost sight of the bigger picture. As I wrote in my journal about my grievances or drafted letters to highlight his mistakes, I was consistently looking down. Whether on my long walks to think things over or during moments of silence where I withheld my feelings, my perspective was limited.
It’s all too easy to get caught up in this downward gaze. We can become so absorbed in our own feelings that we forget to lift our heads and view the broader landscape. While journaling and letter writing have their benefits, my 16 years as a wife have taught me that a more effective starting point is recognizing where I’m directing my attention. Unsurprisingly, I often found myself looking down.
This isn’t to say my feelings of anger or hurt were unwarranted. My husband, Mark, would be the first to admit he’s made mistakes over the years (and I certainly have my share as well). In the early years of our marriage, when I felt wronged, I would silently fume and compile a mental list of “proof” to back my anger. I convinced myself that my hurt and frustration were justified, and this inward focus only increased the tension.
Eventually, I would become so overwhelmed with self-righteousness that I’d lash out, often in a flood of tears and fury. I said hurtful things that, despite my best efforts to seek forgiveness, reverberate in my mind. I count myself fortunate that Mark was patient enough to listen to my outbursts. After I calmed down, we would eventually have discussions to address the underlying issues. Unfortunately, this was our pattern for far too long.
However, after 16 years, our approach has evolved. Now, when I feel truly enraged, my first instinct is not to retaliate or compile evidence against him. I’ve learned to consciously redirect my focus upward, both literally and figuratively. I strive to view situations from a new angle, accepting responsibility for my actions or, quite often, my lack of action. While I may still feel angry, I recognize that articulating my grievances tends to yield far better outcomes when I maintain some perspective.
Each day, I endeavor to look up. This doesn’t mean our life is without challenges or that communication flows effortlessly. But it has certainly made our journey smoother and our conversations less painful. It has shifted my focus from being “right” to finding resolutions. Most importantly, it has helped me reconnect with the man I fell in love with 16 years ago, reminding me that he’s still right here beside me.
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Summary
After 16 years of marriage, I’ve learned the importance of shifting my focus from my grievances to a broader perspective. By consciously choosing to look up rather than down, I’ve fostered better communication and a deeper connection with my husband, ultimately enriching our partnership.