As the mother of a lively 5-year-old son, I often witness his bouts of frustration while building elaborate structures with blocks and Lego. He dreams big, envisioning a grand railroad bridge that twists through our living room and climbs onto the sofa. I usually refrain from stepping in, as engineering isn’t my forte; I’m more of a reading and ice cream enthusiast. Typically, after about 10 or 15 minutes, I hear the familiar sounds of whining and perhaps a dramatic crash, followed by him storming off. Throw in some tears, and you’ve got a classic bridge-building episode in our home.
What’s interesting, though, is that he almost always returns to the project after a brief moment of anger and a little stomping around. This approach mirrors how my husband handles similar frustrations: they both take a short break, and while they may vent their frustrations, they don’t seem to take these setbacks to heart. For them, it’s just a project—not a reflection of their abilities.
I can’t help but wonder if my experience would differ if I had daughters. Personally, I have always been quick to give up, feeling defeated by even minor obstacles. When my bridge collapses, it feels like a blow to my self-worth. I would likely retreat to reading, where failure feels less likely.
According to Rachel Simmons in Time, this tendency to internalize failure is common among girls. In her book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, Jessica Lahey provides compelling evidence that children thrive when parents resist the urge to intervene at every turn, such as fixing broken train tracks or correcting math mistakes. Ironically, experiencing failure is essential for developing resilience and determination.
Simmons suggests that girls often perceive setbacks as indicators of their inherent abilities, which can be more challenging for them to change compared to boys, who usually attribute failures to more manageable factors. This distinction is partly due to the feedback girls receive in educational settings, which often emphasizes innate abilities rather than offering constructive behavioral advice.
Another factor that resonates with me is that girls are often socialized to seek approval, making failure feel more significant, especially when it disappoints parents or teachers. Real success hinges on cultivating intrinsic motivation rather than chasing external validation. Research by Alfie Kohn highlights that children should strive for success based on personal satisfaction rather than for praise or awards.
Girls may feel pressured to be attuned to others’ reactions, whether positive or negative, which can cloud their understanding of their own desires. In contrast, boys, who don’t constantly navigate for feedback, might find it easier to pursue their interests without the nagging voice of self-criticism.
I do make a conscious effort to praise my son’s efforts rather than his abilities, saying things like, “You worked really hard,” instead of “You’re so smart.” His persistent enthusiasm for building has prompted me to reflect on my own tendency to shy away from challenges. Perhaps I too should seek out my intrinsic motivation—though I’ll start that journey after I finish my current book!
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In conclusion, while failure may impact boys and girls differently, fostering resilience in children is essential. Encouraging them to embrace challenges and learn from setbacks can help them develop a positive mindset and intrinsic motivation.