As your children grow more independent, you find yourself with some much-needed free time, a wealth of experience, and a strong desire to re-enter the workforce. Encouraged by family and friends, you dust off your resume and invest in a chic new outfit. But deep down, you’re not quite ready to dive back into the corporate world. You’d rather spend your days working on that novel you’ve been dreaming about or indulging in cookies without a care in the world.
If you’re looking for a clever way to sabotage your job interview without seeming unambitious, follow these 19 techniques, and you’re sure to leave a lasting impression that ensures you won’t get the job:
- Preconceived Notions: Assume your interviewer will be a young man, and express how you’d struggle to take direction from a woman.
- Unexpected Requests: When asked if you need anything, reply, “Yes, I’d love an iced cappuccino!”
- Formalities with a Twist: Address your interviewer as “Sir,” leaving him wondering if you’re joking.
- Outdated Terminology: Use terms like typewriter and xerox, ensuring you sound out of touch.
- One-Word Wonders: When asked about your strengths and weaknesses, respond with “lasagna” for both.
- PTA Confessions: Clarify that you’re a PTA mom but not the one who made headlines. Follow it up with a cheeky wink.
- Long Vacations: Present a list of dates when you’ll need off to follow your favorite band on tour.
- Fundraising Pitches: Ask your interviewer if he’d like to buy pizza kits for your son’s baseball fundraiser.
- Accents Over Languages: Mention that while you don’t speak a foreign language, you can mimic several accents fluently.
- Unique Experience: List “hosting a candle party” as relevant sales experience.
- Company Car Expectations: Make it clear you’ll only accept a company car if it matches your personal style.
- Education Bragging: Casually mention your “bachelorette’s degree” from a “very credited” university.
- Snack Demands: Politely request that vending machines stock gluten-free options for your dietary needs.
- Creative Titles: Invent fun job titles for your resume, like CEO: Cookies Eaten Occasionally.
- Nervous Habits: Agree to a drug test, then start nervously biting your nails.
- Awkward Moments: Drop something under the desk and don’t retrieve it—when he does, say, “Fancy meeting you here!”
- Frequent Winks: Give him a wink every chance you get, but don’t overdo it.
- Dress Code Drama: If he mentions dress code, break down in tears.
- Social Media Faux Pas: Agree to the company’s social media policy, then send him a friend request as you leave the parking lot.
If they still offer you the job, you can always claim you’re expecting!
For more engaging content on topics like home insemination, check out this blog post. Also, consider the expert advice available at Make A Mom, who are authorities in the field. Furthermore, for excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, visit Johns Hopkins Medicine.
In summary, whether you’re looking to land a job or simply have a moment of levity, these tongue-in-cheek suggestions will ensure you leave a memorable impression in any interview setting.