20 Essential Conditions for My Toddler to Use the Potty

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Potty training in our household has been quite the adventure. While my partner and I maintain our cool, our spirited 2-year-old, whom we affectionately refer to as our little chief, displays a whirlwind of emotions when her specific conditions for potty time aren’t met. After careful consideration and observation, we’ve compiled a list of 20 essential factors that must align for successful potty use:

1. The stars must align perfectly—Mercury should be in retrograde while Jupiter gracefully ascends, and a bad moon should be looming nearby.
2. The bathroom needs to smell as refreshing as a spring meadow, achieved not with artificial sprays but with a delightful mix of freshly picked organic herbs tied with a charming piece of periwinkle velvet.
3. The lighting must not exceed a total of 120 watts; dim but cozy is the goal.
4. The bathroom temperature should be precisely maintained between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees. Showers? Not on the agenda, as the steam could disrupt this delicate balance.
5. Somewhere within a 1,000-mile radius, a virgin sheep must be getting sheared.
6. Requests like “please don’t pee on my leg” should be delivered calmly, avoiding any eye contact, for maximum effectiveness.
7. It’s crucial to guess if the chosen potty will be the training potty or the full-sized one—no hints provided, and a wrong guess guarantees imminent refusal and a bowel movement in 17 seconds or less.
8. The skies must be clear of commercial planes, seagulls, and crows. Pigeons and pre-World War II aircraft, however, are acceptable.
9. Everyone in the vicinity must be completely sockless.
10. At least four stuffed animals and one living cat must be present, watching attentively throughout the event.
11. Potty time can only be considered on the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month that ends in “Y.” Rainy days allow for potty use only on Thursdays.
12. A deer and an antelope should be frolicking somewhere nearby, accompanied by a roaming buffalo.
13. The local library must be closed for the day.
14. Organic bananas should be on sale at Whole Foods for the universe to align properly.
15. One-third of the doors in the house must remain open to create the right atmosphere.
16. The kitchen rug must be slightly askew, turned in a counter-clockwise direction.
17. The phone should not ring during potty attempts—no texting, social media, or weather checking allowed for 15 minutes before or after.
18. At least one parent should have an urgent need to use the bathroom simultaneously.
19. A blood relative must also be preoccupied with discovering an unplanned chin hair.
20. Finally, a double rainbow needs to arch gracefully over a pod of albino dolphins escorting an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.

Navigating the world of potty training can be a challenge, but it can also be a fun journey filled with unique moments. For more insights on family life, check out our other posts, like this one on the essential tips for home insemination. You can also find great resources at CDC’s ART page, or learn more about home insemination kits at Make a Mom.

Summary:
In our home, potty training is an intricate dance governed by 20 whimsical conditions that must be met for our 2-year-old to engage with the potty. From celestial alignments to specific household arrangements, this lighthearted guide captures the essence of navigating toddler demands.