I want to share a little secret: yesterday, I found myself crying on the floor, still in my pajamas. With my computer open and Netflix running, I sobbed intermittently through an Adam Sandler film. I can’t quite tell if this was a peak moment or a low point (probably the latter). The day before marked nine months since my little boy, Oliver, passed away. The first six months after Oliver’s death were manageable. They felt like mere dates on a calendar. Yet, as I’ve discovered, grief doesn’t follow a timeline or adhere to social norms. It can hit hard when you least expect it, and months 7, 8, and 9 can be particularly tough. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you, and before you know it, you’re crying on the floor while watching a comedy.
Grief can also pile up. It’s not just about losing one thing; it’s a multitude of losses layered upon each other—divorce, disappointment, and disillusionment. All these losses bring their own kind of grief, and they can feel overwhelming. Over the past nine months, I’ve faced various losses, all of which seem insignificant next to the loss of my son. Grief is a persistent and unwelcome companion, but I’ve learned a few things about it along the way:
1. Grief Knows No Clock
What you think will be difficult isn’t, and what you least expect can hit you like a freight train. Each milestone—firsts, seconds, and thirds—can be just as tough as the first. Eventually, you might find yourself laughing through tears on the floor, and that’s okay. Embrace those moments.
2. Grief Makes You Awkward
Navigating social situations becomes a challenge. What do you say? How do you greet new people? What do you do when someone asks you a personal question? These are all questions that swirl in my mind, and honestly, I often come up blank.
3. Grief Takes Away Your Filter
You may find yourself becoming brutally honest, losing patience for trivial matters, and developing a taste for dark humor—something that society doesn’t always appreciate. Who else makes morbid jokes without flinching? Those who are grieving.
4. Grief Drains Your Energy
That enthusiasm to live life fully? Sometimes your heart feels it, but your body just doesn’t cooperate. Some days, curling up on the couch with a tub of ice cream and a good movie sounds far more appealing than “living in the moment.” And you know what? Those days are perfectly acceptable.
5. Grief Is Rule-less
Grief doesn’t play by any rules. It can lead to unexpected outbursts, embarrassing moments, or moments of profound beauty. It’s unpredictable and can manifest differently for everyone.
6. Grief Is Just a Part of You
Experiencing loss is heart-wrenching, and sometimes it feels like a part of you has been amputated. Yet, grief is merely a part of your identity. It doesn’t define you, though it may shift how you see yourself. Beneath the sorrow, you remain the same person—changed, but still you.
7. You’re Not Alone in Your Grief
One crucial lesson I learned is that countless others have walked this path before me, many stand beside me now, and others will follow. I will never be alone in my pain, nor in the journey to heal. If others have found a way to survive and thrive, then so can I. And if I can cry through an Adam Sandler movie, you can too.
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Summary
Grief is an unpredictable journey that can come in waves, manifesting in surprising ways and affecting all aspects of life. It can drain your energy, disrupt your social interactions, and even change your sense of self. Yet, it’s important to remember that grief is just a part of you; it doesn’t define you. You are never alone in your grief, as many have traveled this path before and will continue to do so.