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What Are We Teaching Boys About Masculinity?
There’s an unusual man who lives nearby. I describe him as “unusual” not because he’s inherently problematic—he keeps his yard tidy, engages with those walking by, and usually has a friendly demeanor. Yet, there’s something about him that raises my caution. Recently, he approached my 5-year-old son, who was sporting a Batman shirt, and commented, “You’re such a big help to your mom, aren’t you? Look me in the eye.” My son, however, was focused on the ground, avoiding eye contact as kids often do when they feel they might be scolded. The man insisted again, “Look me in the eye,” prompting me to interject, “He doesn’t have to look you in the eye.” Surprised, the man backed off and said, “Well, you’re a big help to your mom.”
I can imagine how that man might interpret the situation—perhaps he’d see it as a sign of a mother not teaching her child respect for his elders. I, on the other hand, view it as an uncomfortable display of dominance that some men impose on boys.
As parents, we become acutely aware of the cultural conditioning tied to gender roles, especially when we see it play out in children. Recently, I witnessed a mother at the playground reprimanding her little girl multiple times for showing her underwear. This made me question who imposed those gender expectations, particularly when it comes to boys. I often find myself worrying that my son doesn’t assert himself enough—he doesn’t “advocate” for himself, as one friend puts it. This concern about boys being overlooked seems to be less prevalent when it comes to girls.
Both boys and girls should learn to stand up for themselves, but girls often receive social training that encourages inclusivity and empathy. An article in Pacific Standard highlights how men often struggle with loneliness due to a lack of skills in building and maintaining friendships, skills that are typically nurtured in girls.
I ponder whether our societal pressure on boys to be tough and self-reliant could hinder their ability to form meaningful relationships. The insistence from my neighbor for my son to show deference made me reflect on how we socialize boys to navigate relationships with hierarchy rather than empathy.
While it’s clear that girls are taught to prioritize others’ needs and maintain peace, this can also be detrimental. Girls need to recognize their own needs and advocate for themselves. However, boys must also learn to empathize, let go of conflicts, and support others. I hope my son can be inclusive in his kindergarten class, inviting quieter or shy kids to join in games during recess. After all, friendship doesn’t require direct eye contact.
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In summary, it’s essential to consider how we teach boys about masculinity and the impact of societal expectations on their emotional development and relationships. Balancing assertiveness with empathy is crucial for both boys and girls as they grow.