When I said “I do,” my husband and I shared a kiss beneath a sword arch. Clad in his immaculate dress blues, he looked nothing short of magnificent. We danced the night away, blissfully unaware of the challenges ahead. In the early days, everything seemed cloaked in the allure of polished uniforms, grand traditions, and romantic gestures. I knew he would deploy and anticipated the travel and fatigue that came with military life. But after seven years, my perspective has evolved. Here’s what I’ve come to understand.
- We’re Always at Our Breaking Point. A fellow military spouse once told me that we often look composed, but beneath the surface, we’re stretched to our limits. Even if we appear to be managing well, there are times when we’re single-handedly raising our kids and can’t reach our husbands for weeks. The pressure to maintain this façade can be overwhelming.
- Please Give Us Space. Don’t take this the wrong way; we love helping friends and being supportive. However, during deployments and especially challenging duty stations, we can’t take on more than we already handle. Even if we seem capable, we might just be barely coping. So, please refrain from suggesting elaborate plans or trips that could add unnecessary stress to our already full plates. Just let us be. If we can join you for an event or a vacation, we’ll reach out. It’s not personal; it’s just life.
- We’re Exhausted. The fatigue is real. We’re constantly getting up in the middle of the night, taking care of pets, managing children’s needs, and keeping the household running. It’s a relentless cycle. To the single parents out there, you have my utmost admiration.
- We Operate on a System. To navigate the chaos of daily life, we establish routines that help us maintain a sense of control. This system is a preventive measure that keeps us sane and our children on track. Deviating from this system can lead to chaos, and guess who ends up picking up the pieces? Yes, us. We, of course, cherish our children and find joy in their presence, but we rely heavily on our routines to manage the unpredictability that comes with military life.
- We Manage Our Children’s Emotions. Just when everything seems to be going smoothly, one of our kids may suddenly remember they haven’t seen Dad in weeks or even months. This can lead to tears or difficult behavior, and we often feel at a loss for how to help, given that we can’t predict when he’ll return. We try various strategies—a countdown calendar, special treats from Dad—but they often serve as painful reminders of his absence.
- We Crave Genuine Friendships. We need friends who genuinely care and will ask, “How are you really doing?” It’s not about needing help but rather finding someone who understands the struggles of this lifestyle. Yes, we knew what we were signing up for, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
- Our Spouses Miss Out. Even when our husbands are “home,” they might not be physically present. “Home” can mean being off on another assignment or working long hours. This means we often attend school events and sports games alone, reminding us that just because they aren’t deployed doesn’t mean they’re available.
- The Military Has More Control Than You Think. While we can choose where to live, our options are limited. We relocate every few years, often not getting our first choices. Family events and vacations are planned around our spouses’ schedules, which can frequently change at the last minute, leading to cancellations.
- Our Marriages Face Unique Challenges. The emotional strain from distance, the stress of military life, and the toll of missed opportunities can weigh heavily on relationships. While military events can provide romantic moments, they don’t reflect our everyday reality.
- It’s Tougher Than We Imagined, But We Wouldn’t Trade It. There are incredible experiences in this life, like watching a ship return from deployment or witnessing a change of command ceremony. Our children are resilient, intelligent, and kind, and we often wonder where they learned those traits.
For more insights into family life and the journey of parenting, be sure to check out resources like NHS for pregnancy and Make a Mom for all things related to home insemination. You can also delve into this blog post for additional thoughts on the path to parenthood.
Summary
Military spouses navigate a complex life filled with unique challenges, from emotional fatigue to the stress of managing family life alone during deployments. While they often appear strong and composed, the reality is that they operate under immense pressure and need genuine support and understanding from friends and family. Despite the hardships, many would not trade their experiences for anything, finding joy in the resilience of their children and the unique moments that military life brings.