Every mom craves companionship, and I’m no exception. We all find ourselves on the lookout at playgrounds and preschool drop-offs, hoping to meet other moms who understand the chaos of our homes and the comfort of stretchy pants. Ideally, our kids would be the same age—perfect for playdates that turn into adult hangouts! I dream of a friend who can chat about more than just diaper changes and sleep schedules, perhaps sharing opinions on politics or bonding over our love for ‘90s music. I want this so badly, yet the fear is real.
My journey with female friendships has been rocky since childhood. In second grade, I was labeled “ugly” and ostracized by the other girls. I was relegated to the lunch table of social outcasts, the kids rejected by the reigning queens of Rainbow Elementary. The bullying continued; I was tossed into cornfields during recess and had my coat hidden before the bell rang. When I confided in my mother, her response was unforgettable: “You didn’t have friends last year, and you don’t have any now. It’s your fault.” That was the last time I turned to her for comfort.
Middle school was even harsher. As the new girl in a Catholic school, I faced ridicule for everything from my appearance to my lack of knowledge about grooming. I was dubbed “Ape Girl” for not shaving my legs early enough, and I constantly faced bullying, which made me dread each day.
In high school, the queen bees convinced me I was dating the most popular boy, only to turn on me with insults about my looks and intelligence. Though I had some friends, those relationships were superficial, more about shared interests than genuine connection. I rarely talk to those people now.
Like many women, my history with female friendships has been filled with meanness, gossip, and betrayal. If you’ve ever been the subject of a slam book, you understand the hesitance to seek out new girlfriend connections. But the need for mom friends is undeniable. I yearn for someone with whom to discuss baby-led weaning and Moby Wraps. Human nature encourages us to reach out, yet the baggage from our past makes it challenging.
I find myself second-guessing every interaction: Did she give me a funny look? Is she talking about me? This suspicion seeps into my existing friendships too. Am I always the one to initiate contact? How long has it been since we last hung out? Is she pulling away because of me or has someone else taken my place?
While the quest for mom friends is essential, I desire relationships that extend beyond our children. Many mothers have kids my children’s age, but I hope to find friendships that transcend the shared experience of parenting. I want those connections to move freely from discussions about diaper changes to more serious topics like politics or personal struggles. I want friends who will help care for my kids when I’m unwell and maybe even assist with chores. I’m ready to return the favor, but first, I have to find them and build trust.
The stakes are even higher when children are involved. I want my kids to have friends and playdates, and I worry that my social insecurities might impact their experiences. As a mom who has faced bullying, I’m particularly sensitive to ensuring my children don’t repeat my past. We all want to model healthy friendships for our kids.
I’ve seen mom groups fall apart over jealousy and drama, and the online bullying among women can be intimidating. Nevertheless, I’m still on the lookout for good mom friends. I’m willing to lend a hand, whether it’s cleaning bathrooms or offering emotional support. Despite my fears, I’m exploring playgrounds, mom meet-ups, and community groups, hoping to start anew with female friendships.
I refuse to let past experiences dictate my future.
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Summary:
The desire for meaningful mom friendships is universal, yet the fear of past bullying can create barriers. Through personal anecdotes of childhood isolation and high school drama, the author reflects on the complexities of female relationships. The quest for connections that extend beyond parenting topics is essential for emotional support and community. Despite challenges, the intention to seek out new friendships remains strong, emphasizing the importance of modeling healthy relationships for our children.