As a stay-at-home mom, I often find myself grappling with feelings of embarrassment. I constantly justify my choices and defend my time—mostly to myself. It’s as if I believe that no one is paying attention, yet the real critic is the one inside my head. When I finally have a moment to breathe, guilt rushes in, urging me to get up and be productive. How could I possibly take a break and scroll through my phone? That would be pure laziness, right?
I don’t intend to delve into whether society values stay-at-home parents—that debate is well-trodden. Instead, I ponder how we perceive ourselves through society’s lens after making such decisions. For instance, if I shared that I had three glorious hours to myself while both kids were at school and I chose to spend an hour and a half in a yoga class during the day, how would that be received? I’d probably hear the whispers of privilege: “Spoiled,” “Special,” or “Clearly, she’s not contributing to society.” Those judgments seep into my thoughts too.
This struggle isn’t about being a stay-at-home mom; it’s about the societal disdain for simply taking a moment to breathe. In American culture, busyness is worn like a badge of honor: “Being busy is a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day.”
For stay-at-home parents, it can feel like we have to prove our worth by staying busy—not just for the onlookers, but to quiet our own inner critics. When I indulge in a midday yoga session, I can’t help but think I’m just reinforcing the stereotype of the “lazy” stay-at-home mom. And that self-loathing? It creeps in deeply.
We live in a world that celebrates those who can juggle everything—cooking, cleaning, running businesses, and still finding time to prepare healthy meals and read the latest bestsellers. It’s tough not to compare myself to this impossible standard. The underlying issue in the so-called “Mommy Wars” isn’t about which group faces more challenges; it’s about how our culture equates busyness with importance. We measure ourselves against each other and argue over who is the busiest.
It’s absurd, really. Why should it matter who is deemed more essential to society based on a packed calendar? Ultimately, we are all irreplaceable to our families. I find myself caught up in this comparison game, even though I don’t want to be.
I don’t aspire to do it all. I don’t want to be overwhelmed, unhappy, and perpetually exhausted. I’ve lived that life, and it didn’t suit me or my family. Instead, we thrive when I take a calmer approach, but still, I face internal criticism for my choices. The ingrained Puritan work ethic, instilled in me during my school years, whispers that I should be constantly productive.
So, what can we do to change this mindset and end the internal and external battles? We need to embrace the idea that not being busy is valuable. A dear friend of mine once told me, “I love my life! I get to stay home and create, and when my kids are in school, I sometimes just sit on the couch and do nothing for 30 minutes because I can. Why should I apologize for that?” This question resonates deeply. Why should I feel the need to justify the moments spent doing nothing?
I’m approaching 40, and I’ve embraced my body and all its changes. I recognize that I shouldn’t care about others’ perceptions. I don’t need accolades carved in stone for all my achievements nor do I yearn for fame. I appreciate those who manage to do it all while wanting to reassure them, “You know you don’t have to do this; the world will still love you.”
The pursuit of happiness is often elusive, and I now understand that busyness isn’t the true indicator of success. The question remains: Why do I care what others think? It’s because I care about how I perceive myself, and I want to shift that perspective. I aspire to love my life just as it is.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize and value our choices as stay-at-home parents, without the weight of societal expectations. We should embrace moments of stillness and understand that our worth isn’t defined by busyness.