Why I’m Stepping Away from the Super-Mom Role

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As the mornings turn brisk, there’s a noticeable chill in the air. Though the afternoons remain sunny and warm, the early hours require something warm—a telltale sign that winter is approaching. This seasonal shift isn’t just evident outside; it’s also reflected in the dynamics within my home, especially in my conversations with my daughter, Mia. She’s preparing for her 8th birthday, crafting lists and practicing her fancy handwriting for the invitations. She sighs about learning cursive, wearing heels, and picking up the violin—all the hallmarks of growing up. Her aspirations and challenges are becoming more intricate. She’s on the verge of something big, and I can sense it looming ahead.

A few years back, I relished the title of Super-Mom, the go-to for answers and solutions. I always had Band-Aids and snacks at the ready, swooping in during moments of crisis: stuck on the monkey bars? Mom to the rescue! Struggling to tie shoes? Let’s tackle it together. Facing a bully? We would discuss how to stand your ground or share.

But now, we’ve entered a new chapter where my presence isn’t as constant in her daily life, and her frustrations aren’t easily resolved with a snack or a quick fix. One day, she approached me, her voice barely above a whisper. “Mom, can we talk about something? In private?” Her eyes were clouded with worry over a misunderstanding regarding the lunch lady and milk. To me, it seemed trivial—a minor annoyance—but to Mia, it felt monumental, a burden she had carried home with a heavy heart. She was anxious that I might be upset with her. As she took deep breaths to gather her courage, I realized that the real issue wasn’t the milk; it was her fear of sharing something she thought might disappoint me.

As the seasons change, I recognize that more than needing a mom to solve her problems, Mia requires a safe space to express her worries without fear of judgment or immediate solutions. She often comes home troubled by feelings of exclusion, hurtful remarks, or distressing stories from friends about their home lives. During our evening cuddles, despite my best attempts at gentle probing, I often find it challenging to uncover the full story. The details are often fragmented and filtered. Yet, even if I had been there for every incident, I likely couldn’t fix it.

Mia is maturing, entering a phase where relationships are more nuanced, requiring patience and understanding. We learn to love at a cost and to bear each other’s imperfections. We discover the strength of our voice amidst the chaos of outside opinions.

In the coming years—just around the corner—her challenges will evolve beyond forgotten library books or playground teasing. She’ll encounter more serious issues: the allure of drugs, the complexities of identity, or witnessing something that could lead her to question her values. She will inevitably face moments that leave her feeling ashamed.

We all do; it’s part of life. While we encounter joy, the hardships are equally inevitable.

When those pivotal moments arise, the comfort of a Super-Mom equipped with a Band-Aid and clever sayings won’t suffice. True vulnerability requires a listener who hears without rushing to provide answers or highlight inadequacies.

I’ve come to realize that the Super-Mom cape I once aspired to wear is now ill-fitting, crafted from quick solutions and platitudes. I must embrace the delicate art of active listening, offering, “I don’t have all the answers, but I love you,” and honoring her struggles with thoughtful silence, followed by open-ended questions. If I want Mia to confide in me about her lunch lady troubles, I must first create a safe space for her to share bigger concerns down the line. She fears making mistakes, and I have a tendency to offer my opinions too quickly. This is my chance to redefine our relationship.

Mia doesn’t need a Super-Mom anymore; she needs me in cozy pajamas, curled up next to her on the couch—ready to listen, slow to respond, and patient in my reactions.

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Summary

As my daughter grows older, I’ve realized the need to transition from the role of Super-Mom to a more supportive presence in her life. As she navigates new challenges, it’s essential for me to create a safe space for her to express her worries and feelings without rushing to provide solutions. This shift requires me to embrace the art of listening and understanding, ensuring that she feels comfortable confiding in me about both minor and significant issues in her life.