November 12, 2015
In the last month of my first pregnancy, my partner and I endured four grueling evenings in birthing classes. During the final session, we discussed postpartum depression (PPD) and how to care for both Baby and Mama in those delicate early weeks after birth. I distinctly remember the instructor mentioning that PPD was more common in women with prior mood disorders. I nudged my husband, whispering, “That’s me.” I had been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder a few years earlier, but therapy had kept it mostly in check. He nodded, diligently reviewing the symptoms, and we thought we were prepared to tackle any potential PPD together.
However, those preconceived notions vanished the moment my daughter entered the world. The initial weeks were filled with a whirlwind of breastfeeding challenges, hormonal fluctuations, and post-surgical recovery, but I didn’t feel depressed. Instead, I felt something different:
- Terror
I could sometimes explain my fears, like needing to keep the lights on at night to constantly check on the baby. More often, though, I was overwhelmed by an all-encompassing dread, especially when night fell. - Catastrophizing
While I’ve always been skilled at envisioning worst-case scenarios, postpartum anxiety elevated this to new extremes. Struggles with breastfeeding meant long-term issues. Feeling sleepy indicated a crisis of lethargy. A few minutes of crying at bedtime suggested we were doomed to a lifetime of sleep troubles. - Rage
I’ve never considered myself an angry person, but I found myself simmering with rage, often directed at my husband. - Regret
One day in the grocery store, I spotted two college girls with their arms full of snacks and DVDs. Overwhelmed with emotion, I bolted from the store, crying. Their carefree evening represented everything I believed I had lost: friendship, freedom, ease. I felt like I’d made an irreversible mistake. I never contemplated suicide, but I imagined my family would be better off without me. - Detachment
A friend held my newborn and remarked, “Isn’t it wonderful how you’d step in front of a bus for her?” I managed a weak smile, thinking, “Will I ever feel that way?” I often mixed up pronouns when referring to her and struggled to recognize her features, feeling disconnected from the baby I had envisioned. - Intrusive Thoughts
The classic fear of falling down the stairs with the baby? I had that, along with countless other terrifying images that invaded my mind. - Insomnia and Sleep Disturbances
Sleep deprivation is standard for new parents, but when I had the chance to rest, I found it nearly impossible. I struggled to fall asleep, woke frequently, and when I did manage to doze off, nightmares and hallucinations plagued me. - Compulsions
I felt a sense of control only by assigning meaning to trivial things, such as the arrangement of her crib or the order of bedtime songs. I truly believed these factors influenced her ability to sleep.
I wasn’t experiencing depression; I was engulfed in fear, rage, obsession, panic, and regret. With no specific term for these overwhelming feelings, I labeled them as motherhood and spent countless hours questioning how I had landed in this predicament.
Many new mothers experience similar symptoms. I often dismissed my feelings because other moms shared comparable stories. However, my symptoms were extreme, persistent, and unyielding.
The turning point came after a lactation appointment. A pediatrician reached out afterward “just to check in” and suggested I might be dealing with postpartum anxiety. It was a revelation that brought immense relief. This wasn’t motherhood—it was anxiety.
Within a week, I had appointments with a social worker and a psychiatrist. Gradually, my anxiety subsided, especially after we sleep-trained, my job situation improved, and I weaned. Two years into motherhood, I’m symptom-free. However, my experience with postpartum mood disorders makes the thought of having another child daunting.
I hope that by sharing my story, I can encourage others to seek help. If you’re struggling with motherhood, know that you’re not alone, and there are resources available. My daughter is now my greatest joy, a feeling that postpartum anxiety once made impossible.
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Summary
Postpartum anxiety can manifest in various ways, from intense fear and rage to feelings of detachment and regret. While many new mothers experience some level of distress, it’s essential to recognize when these feelings become overwhelming. Seeking help can lead to a gradual improvement in mental health, allowing mothers to embrace the joys of parenthood.