Yesterday unfolded like any ordinary day. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and started getting the kids ready. My partner, Jake, did the same but took a moment to walk the dogs. We loaded the kids into the car, dropped them off at daycare, and then both of us headed to work. After a busy day, we picked the kids up and returned home.
As soon as we arrived, my little one, Max, was eager to see the puppies. Jake, responding to Max’s excitement, took him downstairs to play with the dogs. Meanwhile, I took off our jackets and stored them in the closet. I also tidied up a little in the kitchen before heading to the living room to play with the baby.
That’s when it happened. Jake returned with Max, removed his jacket and sneakers, and placed them on the kitchen table before heading to grab a snack. I couldn’t help myself; I asked, “Could you please put Max’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
In that moment, I realized how often I’ve used phrases like “help me out” in our relationship. I envisioned a list of all the requests I’ve made over time: “Can you help me out by feeding the baby?” “Could you help me out by taking out the trash?” It hit me all at once: these words were undermining his role in our household.
Instead, I should just ask him to do what needs to be done. I stated, “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not about helping me out; it’s just taking care of our child’s things.” He didn’t reply, but he did put everything away.
From that day forward, I chose to stop framing things as him helping me out—unless we’re talking about slaying a giant spider, of course. Here’s why:
It Undermines His Role
Jake is an adult, a fully capable partner. He shouldn’t be seen as my helper or someone who needs to be prompted to pitch in. If there’s something that needs attention, I can simply mention it. Unlike me, when he asks for something, he doesn’t frame it as a favor because he knows it’s about shared responsibilities.
It Places Unfair Burdens on Me
I do not bear the sole responsibility for maintaining our home or caring for our children. When I say “help me out,” I inadvertently take on more than my fair share. I want a balanced partnership, not 100% of the load. There are plenty of things I’d love to own, like a fancy boat or a laundry-folding machine, but not the entire weight of our household.
It Sets a Poor Example for Our Kids
I don’t want our sons, like Max, growing up thinking that simple chores deserve special recognition. I want them to understand that contributing to family life is a shared duty, and they should take pride in being equal partners.
It Undermines Our Partnership
Jake is my equal, my partner. We may approach tasks differently, but our goal is the same: creating a happy, healthy family. I don’t want to boss him around or have him feel like he’s merely assisting me. His role is to be a father and my partner. And yes, to deal with any unwelcome pests.
So, the next time Jake leaves his clean laundry in the dryer for days on end, instead of asking him to “help me out” and fold it, I’ll simply remind him to get his stuff out of the way.
For more insights on partnership and parenting, check out our other blog post on home insemination or visit Make a Mom for expert advice on self-insemination. Additionally, the CDC offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, I’ve decided to stop framing requests as help and focus on our shared responsibilities as partners. This shift not only strengthens our relationship but also sets a positive example for our children.