The most selfish decision I’ve ever made? Opting to become a parent.
When I tied the knot 14 years ago, the idea of motherhood was far from my mind. Two years into our marriage, however, the inquiries began, and as we neared our fifth anniversary, the pressure from family intensified. Visits with our parents felt like a broken record, with one topic dominating every conversation.
Not a single exchange could occur without snarky comments or outright suggestions about fertility treatments. Our families were convinced that our choice to remain child-free was a medical issue—my uterus, they decided, must be the culprit.
Compounding the situation, two close friends welcomed babies just days apart. One of them was our neighbor, and while I enjoyed helping out, playing peekaboo and rocking the baby to sleep in the evenings, I knew that’s where my interest ended. The thought of becoming a parent wasn’t appealing, and I felt no maternal urges. My career and the freedom of a child-free life suited me perfectly. We could spontaneously head off for a weekend getaway or plan an adventure to South Africa without a second thought. While our friends were navigating sleepless nights and diaper duties, we were enjoying movies, late-night dinners, and travel adventures. It was a blissful existence.
Sometimes, the neighbor’s toddler would mistakenly refer to me as “mommy,” and my heart would flutter for a moment, but it was fleeting. My husband, though he enjoyed our interactions with little ones, also had a limit—once a tantrum erupted, he was done.
Neither of us felt inadequate or unfulfilled. We didn’t dislike children; we simply had no desire to raise any. We relished babysitting our friends’ kids, cherishing the laughter and silliness, but always breathed a sigh of relief when the parents returned.
We often heard comments like:
- “You’d make fantastic parents!”
- “You’re naturals at this!”
- “Aww, look at her—she’s yearning for a baby!”
- “Stop being so selfish!”
But they had no way of knowing what kind of parents we might be. We were just having fun. My uterus was just fine! And the accusation of selfishness irked me. I wanted to shout, “You’re the ones being selfish! We’re doing the world a favor by not adding to the population!”
A child-free life was our choice, and after discussing it periodically over the years, we always arrived at the same conclusion: Parenthood simply wasn’t for us.
Then, everything changed. As the kids grew, we started to feel a longing for that connection—the unconditional love, the joy of nurturing someone, and the experience of calling someone our own. Surprisingly, it wasn’t my biological clock that sparked this shift; it was my husband who brought it up.
During a layover on a memorable trip to Hawaii, while waiting in line at Starbucks, he suddenly said, “I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I want us to have a child.” Just like that. No build-up, no preamble—just a straightforward declaration.
I was stunned. I dashed to the restroom, muttering “oh no” repeatedly, tears streaming down my face. I wasn’t sure why I felt this way; it was a mix of right and wrong. It signaled the end of our carefree life as we knew it, yet it also meant a new beginning—one where I wouldn’t be “mom” by mistake but by choice.
Life is a series of lessons, some fleeting, while others stick with us. We would now carry the responsibility of imparting those lessons to a new generation—becoming role models and doing what’s right. It’s a daunting task, but also a selfish one. Having someone who looks up to you, experiencing the pride and joy that come with the trials of parenthood, is deeply rewarding.
Many claim that parenthood is the ultimate act of selflessness, but for us, it wasn’t selflessness that influenced our decision. We chose to embrace parenthood because we craved the experience for ourselves.
As a mother, I’ve laughed more in this past year than in the previous 36 combined. The pure joy I feel when my child snuggles with me is unparalleled. I cherish every sloppy kiss and precious hug. She has become our entire world, fulfilling every dream we had of parenthood. While we prioritize her, we’re ultimately prioritizing our own happiness.
Sacrifice isn’t part of our vocabulary, nor is selflessness. We do everything out of love and joy, because we genuinely want to. Yes, we were selfish then, and we remain selfish now. But we wouldn’t trade it for anything.
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Summary:
Choosing to become a parent can be viewed as a selfish act, driven by personal desires and the search for fulfillment rather than selflessness. This journey reflects the complexity of parenthood, emphasizing the joy and happiness it brings while acknowledging the sacrifices and responsibilities involved. Ultimately, the decision to raise a child can stem from a deep desire for connection and love, making it a rewarding and enriching experience.