In the wise words of a certain famous actor, “Parents just don’t understand.” When a trendy young adult transitions into parenthood, the aging clock seems to tick faster, impacting their vibe at a cellular level. No amount of stylish clothing, trendy music references, or beauty products can halt the onslaught of middle age. If this resonates with you, you might be experiencing what we like to call OLD.
The early signs of OLD can be a mix of bewilderment and denial. Who wants to accept that middle age is nudging closer? But when you start spotting silver strands in your hair (or worse, on your carpets) in clusters rather than just the occasional rogue hair, it’s time to face reality.
But grey hair is just the beginning—you might also notice some of these delightful signs:
- You’ve developed a bit of a belly.
- Your wardrobe has shifted to comfy t-shirts and yoga pants, the new tracksuit.
- Dinner is now served at 4:30 or 5 p.m. because “the little ones need to eat.”
- You’re up with the sun.
- Your back is starting to feel achy.
- Your bust is slowly heading south.
- Your ears seem a tad larger, and your gums are receding just enough that you chuckle at the phrase “long in the tooth.”
- Dairy turns into your nemesis.
- You’ve got those pesky “elevens,” those two lines between your brows that give you a permanent scowl.
- One glass of wine has you snoozing on the couch by 8 p.m.
As OLD progresses, the internal turmoil can begin, leading to overlapping existential questions. You ponder life-altering choices like whether to pick up knitting or Zumba. When does it stop being charming to have a little leakage while sneezing or laughing? And then the panic sets in—will you soon need Depends?!
Your thoughts may spiral into fun territories such as:
- The fleeting thought of becoming a “cougar.”
- Realizing that middle-aged moms are the primary fans of Fifty Shades of Grey, making you consider getting rid of your copy.
- Freaking out about whether you’re facing menstrual symptoms, premenopausal signs, or—gasp—are you unexpectedly pregnant?
- You still find Johnny Depp attractive until you realize he’s not aging as gracefully and may soon qualify for AARP.
- You feel uncomfortable with the amount of skin younger artists display in their music videos. Wait, what?
- You struggle to understand the lingo of the younger generation with terms like “fleek” and “bae.”
- Naps start sounding more appealing than they probably should.
- You contemplate just embracing your midlife crisis.
- You decide to take a French cooking class, then change your mind and consider kickboxing instead.
- You wonder if intimacy improves with age, only to notice your partner retreating slowly.
To fend off these alarming signs, some preventive measures can help. Steer clear of Classic Rock stations playing Nirvana and U2, and try not to form a codependent relationship with stretchy pants and granny panties. With a little awareness, you might just navigate parenthood without feeling ancient.
In the meantime, take a seat. Let me tidy your hair while you indulge in some Rocky Road ice cream. If you’re interested in more parenting insights, check out our other posts, such as this one on home insemination techniques.
Summary:
Parenthood has a way of making people feel older, with signs ranging from grey hairs to existential crises about life choices. As you navigate the changes that come with raising kids, it’s important to find humor in the process and perhaps avoid some of the pitfalls of midlife. Embrace your journey, and remember that you’re not alone in this wild ride.