When I was just 18, I took a leap of faith and moved out of my mother’s home into my own little apartment. It was a modest one-bedroom space close to campus, where rent was affordable and the furnishings were simple. My decor came from the “dorm aisle” at a popular store, and my essentials included a set of three nesting tables, some beanbag chairs, a blue card table with folding chairs, a futon, and a flimsy white bookcase that held my beloved collection of books. (Yes, I’m still a bookworm!)
While it may have been sparsely furnished, it was my sanctuary. I had just started college two weeks prior and had been staying in a hotel nearby, so moving in felt like the most exhilarating moment of my young life. But it also filled me with dread, as I was already feeling the weight of my first depressive episode. Just 14 days earlier, I had gone from an overachiever to feeling like a “failure.” I began skipping classes, choosing instead to hide away in that dim hotel room, eating less and sleeping more.
By the time I held the keys to my new place, I was already grappling with the depths of my mental health struggles. As a young adult on the brink of independence, I was warned about the typical pitfalls: alcohol, drugs, academic pressures, and unsafe situations. However, no one ever warned me about the isolation, the anxiety, or the overwhelming sense of loneliness that comes with such a significant life transition. It was never mentioned that this shift could trigger depression, especially for those with a history of mental health issues like mine.
It didn’t take long for me to sink further into despair. I withdrew from college during my second semester, keeping it a secret until the end of the year. My social life dwindled, and I found myself seeking refuge in my boyfriend’s dorm room, hiding under the covers while he attended class. I would cry when he asked about my future or suggested that I return home.
People assumed my life was spiraling out of control due to partying or apathy, but the reality was that it stemmed from my mental illness. Instead of reaching out for help, I retreated into shame, fear, and guilt. I experimented with self-medication—through cutting, pills, and alcohol—desperate to escape the pain, but nothing seemed to help. It wasn’t until I sought therapy that I began to see a glimmer of hope. Things weren’t perfect, but they started to improve.
Why? Because I took that courageous first step to break my silence. It took me 16 long years to feel at ease with the label of mental illness. Even though I understood on some level that I shouldn’t feel ashamed, I still did. Shame crept in and flourished. I was terrified, convinced I was “crazy” or that I was simply failing at adulthood.
I feared that no one would understand the depths of my depression—the sadness that enveloped me, the emptiness that overshadowed my life. I thought no one cared, a belief that still lingers at times. But I was wrong. It can be daunting to discuss mental health struggles and the unseen battles we face. Explaining feelings of worthlessness and isolation is challenging, especially when surrounded by others.
However, remaining silent only feeds the shame, and shame breeds isolation, which in turn perpetuates silence and sickness. So, I’ve decided to embrace my mental health journey without shame. Yes, I still feel fear and pain, but I refuse to remain silent. I won’t allow guilt to overshadow my identity anymore.
Why? Because I deserve to be free from that burden, and so do you! To anyone who feels they must hide their struggles—be it a friend putting on a brave face while crying alone, a co-worker missing work due to mental health, or a family member who feels isolated during gatherings—know that living with depression or any mental illness is a tough road. Some days may feel unbearable, but you have the strength to persevere. You are not defined by your diagnosis; you are a fighter.
Remember, you are worth it. You deserve better because you are better.
If you’re looking for more resources on mental health and home insemination, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy, and don’t forget to explore this informative post on our blog. And if you’re interested in learning about at-home insemination, this site offers great insights!
Summary
Embracing my mental health journey has been a long process, filled with challenges and moments of silence due to shame. But I’ve learned that speaking out about my struggles and seeking help is essential. We are not defined by our mental illnesses; we are resilient individuals deserving of understanding and support.